Conflict.

I hate conflict.

I avoid it at all costs.

I don't like it when people are angry with me.  I am afraid to make anyone angry so I'd rather just hide in my house and never come out.

I always thought that this would lead to more peace in my life.  To less conflict and less anger and less frustration.

I have been learning in the past month or so that I have been mistaken.

This has been a hard lesson.  I have been confronted with it over and over with people from all sorts of different places in my life.  I am learning that conflict is sometimes best confronted head on.  This is scary for me, but I think a really necessary lesson.

People have been hurt by my avoiding them and I have been hurt by letting things fester.  I think I'm keeping the peace, but I'm really just making things worse by not speaking up, not saying it out loud, harboring hurt feelings and letting things build.

I'm certain that the avoidance thing comes from my horrible temper.  I have one, though most people haven't ever seen it.  I work hard to keep it under control.

In high school it was a huge weakness.  I threw chairs, I hit people, I screamed.  In college I cursed someone out in the cafeteria and slammed my tray on the table - this was a friend!  I've had boys sobbing on my living room floor curled up in the fetal position.

All these things were hurtful and wrong.  I was out of control and I needed to reign in my emotions.

I think that perhaps I reigned things in too far.

The other extreme can be just as hurtful as the chair throwing.

So it's something I'm working on: that balance.

How to deal with conflict in LOVE.  How to be angry AND understanding.  How to LISTEN.

I am learning to choose my words more carefully, and still be frank with people.

Right now it seems like such a precarious place - a difficult balance.

I know that God is teaching me this lesson in wisdom and patience and love in relationships.  He is holding my hand through learning to build better friendships and deeper bonds with the people around me.  I'm hoping that soon this lesson will be learned fully.  That this valuable skill will become instinctive.  That I will grow through this hurdle.  I would appreciate your prayers.

Thanks for reading.