Society's Visegrip

Yesterday my son drew me the cutest picture.

It was a stick person (he's 4, he'll be five in three weeks or so) with a heart next to it, and he said, "This picture is for you - this is me, and this is my heart. It's for you, Mommy." How sweet is that?

I thought it was adorable. He did one for my husband as well, and then one for my daughter, his sister. He then asked if I would write one for him, so I did.

I drew a stick figure to match his, but I made this one me. I gave it sort of spiky hair on top of its head because that's the best way I know how to make someone have my hair cut in the stick figure world, then I gave her eyes, nose, mouth, and drew my heart at the top corner of the index card (for this was our canvas of choice). The drawing looked...well..masculine. So I added some long eyelashes and felt quite satisfied that this figure, while without clothing or long hair, was decidedly female.

My son took a look at it, and instead of being happy with it, he asked if I would please draw myself with long hair so that he "would know [I was] a girl."

"But, Jonah, you know Mommy is a girl."

"Sometimes I think you're a boy because you have a boy haircut."

"But I'm not one, right?"

"No. But could you just draw it that way?"

"Look, Jonah, do you see how I made the eyelashes on the girl and there are no eyelashes on the picture of you?"

"Uh huh."

"That's another way to show it's a girl in the picture."

"Mommy?"

"Uh huh?"

"Could you still draw long hair on it, please?"


I did as he asked. He told me he remembered when I had long hair and he wished I would have long hair again.

I wonder if some kid said something about me or called me a boy or something in front of him. I wonder if he really feels embarrassed by me.

I know one thing.

After much inner debate I decided to leave my hair just the way it is (though I do need a haircut right about now, and badly at that, and I will be shaving it again hopefully this evening).

If someone is going to teach my son about stereotypes and how they are an issue then it's going to be his family.

Gender is a hugely hot topic right now in the world. People questioning everything. Beauty. Homosexuality. Transgender. Everything sexual. Everything gender oriented.

A girl recently ran a super fast 800 meter dash and now her gender is up for questioning because she was so much faster and her build is somewhat "masculine".

What does it all mean?

There's something important in all of this.

There's a reason for my shaved head and a reason I feel the need to keep it that way.

I'm having trouble putting it into words, but I feel if I cave to this stereotype - that girls must have long hair to be feminine, then I've lost something important. Something about being who you are. This is me.

a domestic trap?

Michael and I are throwing around the idea of homeschooling. It's something we've been talking about since Jonah has started coming into his own and both of us grew tired of the public school system.

Things reached a head when we realized the severity of Jonah's food allergies and that traditional school simply wasn't working for him.

He currently attends the local Montessori School, but the tuition is breaking the bank, literally, as we smashed my piggy bank I've had since high school and counted out $84 in coins so we could afford groceries. A $635 tuition bill would be a nice one to lay aside.

Jonah is also highly gifted. At least I think he is.

He's not a super genius. He's not reading at a 12th grade level or multiplying large sums in his head or writing concertos. He IS reading, doing basic arithmetic, and creating his own science experiments. He's also extremely precocious.

I have my doubts at times, about what we should do when it comes to education.

I am a product of the public school system and I feel I turned out alright. My husband attended private Christian School most of his life and turned out about the same as I did. I know people from all walks of education and when it comes right down to it, it's about who they are as people and how their parents maintained the home. Sure, teachers can affect kids in a huge way, but not before their parents have already molded them in a specific vein.

I've been a stay at home mom now for a little over thirteen months. That sounds insane to me. I never thought I would do the stay at home mom thing. Never ever ever in a billion years. My education was important to me. Empowerment as a woman is important to me. Further education is high on my priority list. I have a master's degree. I love teaching. But I found, as a mother, that I love my kids more, and daycare wasn't working for my family.

Jonah had fun there and nice friends, but he was drawing with only the black and red crayons, literally, and it was time to reassess our lifestyle.

I'm not sure I'm capable of homeschooling.

It was something somewhat looked down on when I was a kid and also something that to me seemed a trap for a woman. To be teaching the kids at home, changing diapers - putting off life for another year and another year until, in the end, what is left of you as an individual?

But I have worked hard to maintain my personage since quitting my job. And I've found a lot of myself that was lost in my career moreso than it has been lost at my home.

No, I don't have time to sit down and finish my novel or my painting that has lulled in the easel now for six months or more, but I do have time to let my mind paint pictures. I do have time to act in the local theatre, direct around the town, throw some culture into the education of my children as we listen to Rossinni and identify the instruments in the orchestra in the CD playing in the living room.

Our family is just different. We're vagabond artists. We can't help it. My husband's job on base is there to put food on the table. And while he's a mathematician, he's also an artist. I have never met someone who can more fully use both sides of his brain. I'm the right brained psychopath with a feminist streak. So our kids and traditional schooling? The public school system? It just doesn't seem right.

And me, the feminist, Christian, artist, hippie, vegetarian...well...I guess homeschool does fit, after all.