No One Has Anything on You.

Today is my birthday.  I'm 32 years old.

It doesn't change because you're a grown up.  (Photo: ViNull/Flickr)

It occurs to me that somewhere along my teen years I made the arbitrary decision that when I turned thirty-two I would be officially "old".  I keep thinking as I approach thirty-three that this was the year in which Jesus died on the cross, and he was God, so you must be good and ready for some big stuff in your early thirties.

It's funny.

I always thought that when I "became an adult" I would suddenly change.

Forget the boys I liked in high school and not have any desire to have a birthday party or go to a sleepover or win at tag or receive an invitation or enjoy Oreo cookies.  That somehow I would start liking lots of jewelry and applying make-up and wearing pantyhose on a daily basis.  That talking on the phone would become effortless.  That I would receive some widsom about spreading jelly on toast and opening jars and knowing how to manage my finances and regularly and effortlessly spend my time investing in the stock market.

And yet... here I am...  good and old, according to my teenaged self... and still... well... me.

I still like Oreos even though I know they are bad for me.  I still hate pantyhose and think they are unnecessarily air-tight and easily torn.  I still remember my ex-boyfriends and even think fondly of them at times.  And...  spreading jelly is sort of a mystery, though I've become pretty adept at opening jars.

I still have a lot of the same questions I had as a kid.  I still remember well what it was like to live inside my younger mind.  I still know that teenaged girl.  I know her well.  I can still call up her old feelings and thoughts.  I still enjoy the things she liked.  I love swimming and dancing and lime snowcones and playing cards.

And knowing these things about me, and my mind, and how I am still that girl, only in an older body with more book knowledge has made me think a lot about how I look at other people.

The person who is writing a book on parenting is my age, or maybe only a few years older than me.  And wow, she only has one child and I have two.  And she's selling this book about parenting.

And there are people out there making inventions and developing apps and appearing on television as newscasters and actors and comedians who went to school with me.  People I graduated high school with are jet setting to Japan for Fortune 500 companies.

And that means something.

It means that all people are just. people.

There is no magic formula to make one person more successful or bigger or greater or more famous or wiser.  There is no class you take when you "turn into an adult" that explains how to actually start your own business or gain power and knowledge.  We are all a product of our choices.  Of the people we chose to know.  The things we chose to study, the books we choose to read, the way we network or put ourselves out there...  but we are all still just kids who like ice cream and sparklers and comfortable hoodies inside.  We all still have fears of failure and loss and darkness and yes...even the boogieman in the closet.

There is no switch that makes us morph into adulthood and lose the self we once were.

There are people who hide it better - they put on adult clothing and they shop at adult stores and they use adult jargon, but the fact is, we are all still just. people.  Babies, children, tweens, teens, adults...  all. just. people.  All with potential to be or not to be infinite things.  To learn whatever it is that we need to do whatever it is we'd like to do.

And the best part?  It doesn't change just because you're a grown-up.

The thing about going to college and then having this career that you keep forever and then your mind shuts down and you have no actual feelings or preferences and you live to rule over your children?  That a degree will suddenly change you into what you thought that person looked like or accomplished?  These are lies that some people buy - and the secret to living the fullest of lives - is to choose not to believe them. No one has anything on you.  There is no secret.  There is only the wide world of knowledge and potential and connection and work.  And the path you choose to take with it.

Money

I recently read an article posted on facebook by my brother-in-law about a man who has given up money. He lives in a cave. Mice crawl on his body when he sleeps and bugs suck blood from under his fingernails. He cooks in soot encrusted pans. He eats grasshoppers, dumpster food, and wild plants + the occasional, no strings attached, hand-out. And he is happy.

He maintains a blog from the library. He has no computer in his cave, nor much else worldly.

In his blog he talks about how Jesus said to give up our possessions, our money, and follow him. He says that true Christians will take this teaching seriously.

This is something with which I struggle. A lot.

I feel that money is a trap. I feel it is an illusion, just as moneyless dude feels it is. I don't even need to say I feel it, it's simple truth. People decided that certain things would be worth something, and so they are. Period. It's hideous, really.

There has been a lot of discussion about this very topic at The Refinery, my church, and conclusions are difficult to come by.

I hate money. I hate that my husband works in a job that he doesn't really like to make money to pay for a house we're trying to get out from under and bills and for things we don't really need.

The issue I have with giving everything up, I guess when it comes right down to it, is trust.

I feel like giving up money is a very scary thing. I feel like I would be screwing my kids over completely if I gave up money. But is that the truth? Is that reality? Maybe I would be giving them everything.

I knew a family in Ireland, one of the host families while I was there for a cross cultural study during college, who gave up everything. Within a week, without asking for ANYTHING, they had everything back and more. House, money, clothing, food, you name it. The dad took that as meaning God blessed what they had done, but that they weren't meant to live without anything, they were meant to do ministry in a different way. I think this is valid.

I admit that it is pretty much simply fear that keeps me from getting rid of everything. Money is a crutch. Money is something very human. It allows us to feel like we are in control of our lives. It allows us to feel like we can do our duty by saying that we trust in God, when the fact is, we simply don't.

Other things to ponder, however - the guy who lives penniless has a college degree. He held down a job, etc. How would my children get a degree if I were living in a cave with them? Who knows. I guess it's something you can't really question if you're really going to do it. Really live off the grid in several literal senses.

We have some land that refuses to sell that we own free and clear. We keep hoping it's going to sell so we can get out of all of the debt we're in and start with a clean slate.

Then what?

I'd like to have no debt. I'd like to get rid of a lot of things.

Freedom really truly comes when you have less and less. I think the more you give away, the more free you feel. The more free you are.

I need to ponder this a lot more. This I know.

I don't think this has much to do with feminism, but maybe it does. Equality. In the bare bones sense, can't exist in our current money grubbing society where jobs are identities. If we would all just give up the money thing, things would be a whole lot better for everyone. But we're too selfish for that. Much too selfish for that.

If we would just share everything amongst ourselves, which is what I feel is the true Christian calling, no one would have to do without. But we don't trust each other enough. We're afraid someone will take advantage of us, of the system.

My pastor told us a few weeks ago that there is a commune in Chicago that has been in existence for twenty years or so living in this cooperative manner - in a truly Christian way.

How can I pilot such a program here?

How can we really lead truly Christian lives on our own?

We need each other, and yet it is each other standing in the way.

The church is so broken.

There are so many things we could do if we would just trust one another. Just truly be family and stop the pretense. Why can't we be Jesus to each other? Why can't we do what we're supposed to be doing? It kills me - the place we've gotten to. How church is just a societal norm. A thing we do on Sundays. A building that stands empty during the week except for preschool and the soup kitchen. Our church does more than most, but it isn't enough. I want to try an experiment.

We own this house in Callaway. Why don't we move some people in there and see how it works, true cooperative living? If people are afraid, then we should do something small to start and see if it's amazing. It's not exactly showing faith in God, but it's a step in the right direction, right?

Or heck, they have these houses that they sell at one of the major developments around here that are ENORMOUS. More than enough for four families. Let's TRY it.

I used to think that communal living was SO not for me. But I've learned that if everyone is courteous and respectful of one another, it can work. Okay, I need alone time. How nice to have three people who live with you willing to watch your kids. Willing to let your kids play with theirs, while you read a book at the library in relative peace?

The other things I've been thinking is we could put a tiny house on that piece of land we have. Just live with less as a family.

Michael loves designing homes. He has already designed this amazing tiny house that we could live in as a family. We'd just need to bite the bullet and do it.

Possessions eat your life. It's true.

I want to talk to someone who is doing what this guy is doing. I want to talk to people from the Chicago co-op. I want to do something for real. I'm so tired of just sitting here, rotting. I'm tired of hearing people tell me how rich I am, how rich Americans are. How everyone else lives with so little and we are so greedy and selfish and just simply pigs.

I hate that people say that and I look around and feel like I don't have enough. That I need more to get by. It's prison.

I want to figure out the answers. I want to do something REAL for a change.

I want to live in the present.

It's like penniless dude says in his blog: "Debt is past. Credit is future. Nothing about money is present. Nothing."