Wit. Chapter Two.

I am at a harrowing place for a director.  Just under three weeks until we open.  It is a time of panic. 

It is also a time of reflection.

Today I was thinking about auditions and mulling over my choices. 

I always do this about now.  I look back.  I try to picture other people in the roles.  It never fails.  I can't do it.  The choices were right.  They just were.

There are times as a director when I wish that I could cast a certain person because I like them personally or because I have worked with them before and know that they are talented and I want to work with them again.  Regardless, at auditions I always try very hard to go in with a clean slate and my choices are inevitably different than what I believed they would be before I entered the theatre on the day. 

Today was a looking back day much like this.  I thought through everything and I realized that I am very much enrapt with this particular cast.  I enjoy working with them very much.  Things have very nicely fallen into place.

Yesterday we had an excellent rehearsal. I feel like we're locking in.  The timing is perfect. 

This is terrifying. 

Something will go wrong - I need to accept this.

I also need to accept that this show is not mine.

This is the panic thing I was talking about before.  I always panic, have a nervous breakdown, and then realize that it's pretty prideful of me to think that I'm doing any of this on my own.  That whole directing gift, the whole opportunity - it's really all a God thing, in the end. 

So after my nervous breakdown, I give it up to the Big Guy and things start to go much better.  Ultimately, I am not in control.  I do not wield unending power.  I am merely human.  Given something to use here.  Trusted with that something.  But God owns the show - not me.

Typing it is good therapy.  It reminds me that none of this is really personal. 

I look back on shows from the past of which I am particularly proud and I realize that I really shouldn't be.

I remember a time, sitting backstage crying hysterically during Once Upon a Mattress.  One of my best pieces, I think, and I remember having that breakdown and throwing things and screaming about how nothing was going right and then I gave it up.  I had to.  The stress was killing me.  And once God takes over I can just sit back and go along for the ride. 

It's that way for this show too.  I've stopped taking it personally.

Let's hope I can get through tech weekend with that knowledge intact fully.