I have also had a very hard time "letting go and letting God." I know that all my shows pretty much suck unless I allow God to just take over. I know this, and yet I always still attempt to control everything myself and then end up having a complete panic attack... okay... several complete panic attacks.
But... God is in control. I will continue to repeat that until I believe it. Not sure if there is any other way....
Aside from all of this, I am having a very hard time with some of the people on my production staff when it comes to authority. All of them men.
I am not one of those feminists who hates men. In fact, I like them a lot. For much of my life, I preferred their company to that of other women. For much of my life, I actually thought that women were very annoying and petty and completely uninteresting. I remember going to this sleepover during this period where I thought that being popular was really important (this will be the subject of another blog, I am certain) and so I decided that I would concentrate on making myself popular, and after I succeeded, and went to a sleepover with the popular girls, I realized that it was perhaps the most boring and horrible decision of my life. I couldn't believe that they actually talked about the things they were talking about. It was like a poorly written teenie bopper film. They literally spent the night talking about make-up and shopping and really stupid boys. I eventually went upstairs and hung out with the girl's older brother and his friend.
So, in light of all of that, I have never been one who really felt like I was all oppressed and disrespected by men. There have been times when I've been upset or felt like I was treated as less than, but never so much as the times during this show.
I'm not going to name names because this is a very public blog, but it's really hard for me to deal with, to be honest. I have trouble asserting myself when the need to do so comes out of nowhere.
I wish that I could be one of those women who is always prepared for exactly that sort of thing and had an arsenal of stuff to throw back at questionings of ability and insults to your intellect, but alas, I am not, so I've just walked around dismayed.
It would be different if it were about something I thought I sucked at. I would pretty much just take whatever was dished out to me and agree with them sadly. But when they question my vision for a show I'm directing, I really just want to punch them in the teeth. And when they question my knowledge about how to run a rehearsal, I really just want to stab them with a hard, but blunt object. Like a screwdriver.
Perhaps it isn't became I'm female, but moreso because this is my first time directing in the space. Not sure. I will say that I have had no trouble of this nature from the women involved. Maybe it's because my head is shaved and so I fall into that category where I might be able to be viewed as a man. I've been thinking about this a lot, especially today when a guy at Walmart who was putting away shopping carts asked Michael and me if we were out Mother's Day shopping for our wives. I stared blankly and hoped he would figure out that I was, in fact female.
Granted, I was wearing my Dublin soccer jacket, which I admit I bought in the men's section, but I was also wearing my yoga pants and black Nike running shoes with a pink swoosh.
It was one of those times I really wished I had bigger boobs.
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