The Changing Seasons

Okay.  I admit it.

It might be a long time before I get around to finishing that Beattitudes series.  Truth is, I might never finish it. 

That's because I feel like, for now, I've said what I needed to say on the subject.

Maybe sometime in the future I'll need to say something more.

For now... there are other things more pressing, and I'm going to let it rest.

I realize that as a Creative Thinker that happens to me a lot.  I get really into something.  I obsess over it, almost... then I drop it.  Because it's not working anymore.   There are people who see that as wishy washy.  And maybe that's so.  But I've read before that it actually takes a pretty with-it, intelligent person to know when something is finished.  We get that, we Creatives.
So instead I'm going to write a post about myself.

That's a little daring, I guess.  It's been a long time since I've done something intensely personal.

So here it is.

Last week I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Yeah.  With all the stigma and everything.

I have, in my own life and in my own not-so-distant past stigmatized the thing.  I have even said things like "Well I know I don't have that."

That.

The disease where you're volatile.  And scary.

And...  uncontrolled.

And...  mental.

Or whatever.

I always thought that I had something different.

Depression is okay.  Lots of nice people have depression.

Anxiety is okay.  It's like... code for being a housewife nowadays:  I have an anxiety disorder: I am completely understimulated at my own intellectual level, bored out of my skull and at the same time exhausted.

Both of those were okay with me.

But the past few weeks have been tough.  Really tough and I finally broke down and went back to therapy.

I hate going to a new therapist.  It's always so nerve-wracking and tense.  It takes a special person to really click as a therapist.  I've had some really horrid ones.  Just one really great one.

This one fell somewhere in the middle but she was certain of one thing: I have bipolar disorder.  I'm... bipolar.

I took the above photo on the worst day I've had in years mentally.

I was both up and down.  Manic and depressive.  Suicidal and euphoric.  I'd been struggling there, feeling torn in two for three days.

My therapist told me I needed to stop taking my St. John's Wort during my manic time.

I knew I was manic in the fall.

But I never realized this could be a sort of bipolar disorder.  I was content with Seasonal Affective Disorder... but apparently that only applies to people who have seasonal depression.  Mania doesn't factor. If you have any season of mania with that depression... then... well then you're bipolar.

So.

That's where I am.

I'm not taking any medication.  I have a mild case and I'm good about diet and exercise and I have a great support network  to help keep me balanced.

But I needed to write about it.

First of all, because I need to own up to how I'd stigmatized this particular disorder.  Judgement comes back to bite you pretty much every time, I've found.

Second, because I feel like it's important to spread awareness about it.  That it's a thing.  That there are many different types of bipolar.  That not everyone who has this disorder is scary - especially if it's managed.  That it can happen to anyone.  Even me.

Third, because writing is simply how I deal with stuff.  People will tell me that I shouldn't put this out there because of future employment or what have you.  No.  No authenticity is okay with me.  I need authenticity.  I need to just tell it like it is.

Bipolar disorder is a real thing.  There are many different forms.  I have Bipolar II.  My latest issue was dealing with what are called "mixed features".  I found that stopping the St. John's Wort made this stop too.  There's a lot to learn and know.  I'm just tapping the surface.

I realize that awareness is so important nowadays, so here I am spreading a little of that.  I hope this particular piece helped you to understand the disorder a bit more, and maybe tempted you into reading a few articles about the disorder.  Just in case, here are a few decent ones:

A General Description on Web MD

An Insider Description with Lovely Poignant Graphics

How To Talk to Someone with Bipolar


Thanks for reading.

Stay Empty.

With such a full life, you would think it would be hard for me to feel empty.

But I would be lying if I told you that I felt full.


Empty is a hard place to be.  A sad place.  Often lonely.

It's hard to get anyone else to understand exactly where you're coming from.

It's funny because I have SAD and my "depressed" season is spring.  It's not spring.  It's winter.  And I'm not depressed.  At least it doesn't feel like that old familiar depression.  I just feel empty.

Today I tried to learn to play chords on the piano. 

Strike that.

I LEARNED HOW to play chords on the piano, but I'm so frustrated that it's taking so long and I'm playing so slowly.

Time goes SO FAST lately and life is so short. 

It's funny how much I relate to my character in the play I'm in now.  Sister James, in Doubt.  I just typed that I felt like life was moving quickly, like it's short.  The elder nun in the play tells Sister James, "Life is perhaps longer than you think, and the dictates of the soul more numerous..."  I am looking forward to feeling like life is longer than I think.  I feel like my thoughts on life are reversed. 

In high school, life dragged along.  I felt like high school would last forever.

College flew by and time has been speeding up ever since.

I've been having a hard time with learning anything new because I am so often interrupted.  Finding longer than fifteen minutes to myself is impossible.  I learned how chords work on the piano today, but I can't imagine when I'll be able to practice, and I get frustrated easily because so many people around me are such talented and competent musicians, and I'm just...  me. 

I learned HOW TO knit a few weeks ago, but I've only been able to do two or three rows since then because my daughter is always crawling in my lap and my son is always needing help with this or that and I'm tired. 

My friend, Deborah, got me this New Testament Greek book along with a workbook and it's been sitting on my desk for over a year now.  I haven't even opened it.  I want to open it, but I don't want to get frustrated by the interruptions so I just don't do it. 

I'm thirty or so pages into a novel that is finished in my head, but I need uninterrupted time to get it out on paper and I don't have it to spare.

Everyone says that we will make time for the things that are important to us - but how do you justify taking any time from your family?  Aren't your children the most important thing?  Shouldn't I be using my spare time to cultivate relationship with my husband?  And how do I maintain friendships?  How does all of that fit in to making art and writing? 

Those who are close to me will say that I use my time at the theatre, and I would say, that's true.  The thing about theatre is, it's something I can do right now.  I don't need much time to practice at home.  I'm a quick study in memorization and I do character work in the shower and while I'm brushing my teeth.  I go TO the theatre for rehearsal.  It only costs me the gas to get there and I have a skill set advanced enough to do the work without outside instruction.  My rehearsal time at the theatre is uninterrupted.  It is beautiful.

I've been reading a book about mothers balancing their art with their family life. 

I had hoped to gain some insight, but I was disappointed to find that most of those mothers hire nannies so that they can have uninterrupted time.

I am trying to accept that this is a season in my life during which no novels will be written.  It will be a season of scrawled and hasty poetry, unedited blogs, shoddy paintings, community theatre, and mediocre music. 

People keep telling me it's never too late to make art or learn to do it better.  I foresee a lot of art in my fifties.  Maybe I'll finally open those Greek books.

I don't mean to make this entry depressing.  Empty seasons can be good ones.  I need to re-shape my attitude along those lines.  The empty seasons are the seasons of preparation, not of despair.  I need to keep that thought on my radar  so I can get through and find Joy on the other side. 

It's funny because the future for me and mine is filled with so many prospects, but we have been in a period of wait for two years now, and the emptiness is finally getting to me.  The waiting to be filled.  The trusting that God has a plan. 

Stay Empty
by Aaron Niequist

My life is cracked in ways that I don’t understand,
And there are holes inside I never planned.
But this roller-coaster,
Is how You pull me closer.
And I trust that You are who You made me for –
And I will stay empty,
I will keep waiting;
I will stay empty,
Until You fill me up and I
I will stay empty,
I will keep waiting,
Until You fill me up with You.
Send Your floods to help me clean out my heart’s space,
Please come quickly, it’s so hard to wait.
This world is temporary,
I cry for sanctuary!
And throw myself into the strongest arms of Hope –
And I will stay empty,
I will keep waiting;
I will stay empty,
Until You fill me up and I
I will stay empty,
I will keep waiting,
Until You fill me up
with You.
It may come soon,
And maybe it won’t.
I want to run,
But I know You don’t.
I give You my heart,
And trust You in faith.
And cling to the blessings
I anticipate!
And I will stay empty,
I will keep waiting;
I will stay empty,
Until You fill me up and I
And I will stay empty,
I will keep waiting;
I will stay empty,
Until You fill me up and I
I will stay empty,
I will keep waiting,
Until You fill me up with You

The opposite of SAD.

A long while back I posted about Seasonal Affective Disorder: SAD (for short).  It was the turning of the seasons and my own issues were just kicking in.

I have reversed SAD - most people experience the beginnings of their depression around THIS time of year: Autumn.

For me, it is the opposite swing of the pendulum.  Some refer to this as: mania.

I do not fit with every definition, obviously, but I do have elevated mood, high energy levels, and many of the other things - most of them, in my opinion, positive.  I adore the fall.

But I wanted to publish this post not because I am feeling especially jazzed, but for two other reasons.

1.  It's important to note that anywhere from 5 - 20% of the population in the U.S. is currently entering into a season of depression.

2.  SAD is not just fall/winter depression and spring mania.  SAD can be reversed, as it is with me.

I hope that you will be on the lookout for friends and family members who may experience their downward swing in the fall.  Take them out to lunch or for coffee.  Encourage them in their endeavors and help them to get outside and involved in life.  It's so hard to drag yourself from your comfortable fog in those times.

I also hope that you will be on the lookout for your friends and family who have reversed SAD.  Listen to them when they go on about things.  Listen to be sure they are making sound decisions and not just leaping in headfirst to things that are unhealthy.  Help them to stay balanced and not bite off more than they can chew.

We'll thank you for it, in the end.

SAD.

I have talked about my anxiety disorder a bit on this blog.

It's something that I'm working to control, and have been somewhat successful with limited medication. I'm learning what my triggers are and where they come from - no matter how foolish they make me feel, and I'm working through things. I don't go to therapy anymore, but I did a stint in college and it was good for me. Now I'm working with diet and exercise and self-talk and prayer. It's working okay.

I haven't had a full blown panic attack in over a year.

There's something else though. It isn't controlled the same way.

I also have SAD: Seasonal Affective Disorder.

This normally effects people in the fall or winter months or a combination of the two. I am one of the semi-rare cases: I am effected in the spring.

SAD, for me, started around my freshman year of college, to my knowledge, though it may have been as early as my junior year of high school. It's not based on specific days or months in the calendar, but more on the weather outside.

It always begins at the time when the snow is melting outside and the temperature hovers in the forties or fifties. Days like today.

People who are close to me know about my deal with SAD and if they haven't been told about it explicitly, they've probably figured it out, but not everyone in my circle knows or really "gets it". Spring is the time when most people feel happy or renewed. For me it's just the opposite.

My happy time is the fall. There have been some studies that say this opposite season is a period of mania and that SAD is actually a form of manic-depression that occurs over a much longer period of time. I could see how this could be accurate in my case.

Regardless, it's that time of year again.

There are some things about the spring that I actually like. My creativity sort of ramps up. Yes, most of my poetry is depressing, but I'm writing much more often than usual. It's a time of self-reflection and that isn't all bad.

The things that are hard are the dealing with people parts. The feeling overwhelmed and wanting to hide parts. The not feeling like going out, or exercising, or talking to anyone ever again even though I know it will probably make me feel better afterward parts.

The part where, I know if I go for a run I will feel better, but something in my body...in my brain doesn't WANT me to feel better. Like...I NEED to feel depressed. Just walk into the fog again. Just settle in for the season.

I know that isn't a good attitude. It isn't the way I want to be. So I fight this inner battle with myself and often it comes out as anger at others. I'm beating myself up for not going running when I know it would make me feel better - and my other half is saying "you don't WANT to go running. Running sucks. Stay at home and sit in the corner with a fleece blanket and the lights off and don't talk to anyone - that's what will really help."

I used to associate the feeling with a boy from my past. It's because SAD happened to me after we met and dated and sort of cracked at the seams. The happy part had been this time of year. I thought for a long time that if I got back together with him then things would get better for me mentally.

I know that was stupid now, but during college I would have done almost anything to make the pain stop.

I'm careful to stay above that line of drowning now.

Back then I didn't know what was going on, didn't prepare for it, almost...embraced it when it came. I just stepped into the fog and held on to the grey. I would take walks in the rain in my long black trenchcoat and let the droplets careen down my back, my long hair soaking. I would fall in love with the goosebumps on my skin and the solitude of my darkness. I would sit alone at night in my room and write and write and write and not sleep - get coffee - write some more. I remember that it was hard to sleep, even though I felt so tired. I would skip work to just sit and stare at the wall. I alienated my friends. I cussed them out. I threw things.

It was after I cussed out a friend over the difference between a see-saw and teeter-totter that I knew I needed help. That's when I started going to therapy.

The strange thing about SAD is that when the season comes to a close, when the warmth of June replaces the crisp, sunny, humidity of May I am suddenly back to "normal". I wonder if other people who have this disorder also feel this way. I wonder why it happens.

As I enter this season - like all the years before - I wonder if there is anything I can do to stop it from happening. I feel the tightness in my chest, the lump in my throat, the slight nausea in my stomach. I want to cry. I want to scream at everyone. I want to sink into the bathtub and feel the water all around me because water is something that is tangible. Something I can feel against my skin. Something I can touch - and nothing else seems real.

This year I will try to fight. I will try to go and run even when I don't want to, even while I'm beating myself up inside for not wanting to and feeling guilty for giving in or not giving in - I will try to fight. I will try to get enough sleep and I will try to keep writing positive things and I will try to read my Bible and pray and not just get angry at God for seeming to desert me here.

I will continue to walk in the rain.

But I will play with my children.

I will eat healthy food.

I will NOT alienate myself...

I will try to do these things this year.

I will try.