The Motherhood Lie

There is this lie that we hear as mothers.

People tell us that we have the most important job in the world.

That's not something I'm disputing.  But they also tell us something else.

That we should invest ourselves completely in teaching our children to be better people, and that they will rise up and be activists and change the world, and then we will have done our good for society.

But I've been thinking about that a lot.

And realizing that we've been telling mothers that for generations.  Your children are your purpose.  Your legacy.  Your children are going to do the things you are not able to do because you are doing the most important job in the world: mothering them.

I think it sounds all well and good when you don't dig too deeply around it, but I've been doing just that and my shower thought this morning was a kind of rage.

Society has been telling moms this very thing for eons.  And here's the issue.  We tell moms this.  Who raise their daughters to be amazing active people who want to go out and change the world.  And then they become moms.  And we tell them the same thing.  And so on so on and so on into infinity so that a small percentage of these amazing women ever actually do the thing their mothers counted on them doing in the first place.

It's a circle of oppression. 

It's a way of keeping women down in their best years for activism.

Here I am.  Thirty-six years old.  And my excuse for not standing up stronger and harder and fiercer has been, over and over again, I'm raising my children.  That's the most important job a woman can have.

And you know what?  It's a super important spectacularly incredible job that is vital to civilization's continuance.  And we need to buck up and get some babysitters.

We moms need to stand up.

We need to stop our armchair activism and we need to make our voices heard.  And we need to be loud.  Because most of us have fully formed frontal cortexes and energy our kids' grandmothers are dreaming about now.

So I call bullshit on that: your contribution is your child line.  My mother counted on her contribution being me.  It's time I made good on that for her.  And her mother.  And her mother.  And her mother and on and on back to the time when women were first told that our children should be our contribution.  My children are vital.  And amazing.  And important.  But so. am. I.

Oral Sex

I titled this "Oral Sex" because not only is that what this post is about, but I knew it would be eye-catching.  I also knew that when people typed it into Google hoping for some tips and tricks, they might just get this post instead, and gain a different sort of understanding.

I spent the past week at my parents' house, which gave me a rare opportunity to talk with my mom almost uninterrupted.

We talk via telephone often, but there are always chores or kids calling to me in the background, and my thoughts can get muddled.

We've become friends over these last several years, my mom and me.  It hasn't always been that way.  There was a lot of lost trust and argument and general dislike through the years... especially the teenage ones.  We have our differences now, but we've chosen the road of sorting them out over coffee, instead of estrangement, and I'm thankful.

This past week we got to talking about how things have changed since she was attending the public school system.

She told me about a movie that she watched on Lifetime that discussed oral sex in middle school, and how it is becoming so common - even at school.

I already knew this, unfortunately.

A school in our area ended up with separate lunch tables for boys and girls and banned recess because 11 - 13 year olds were using the time for, let's face it, blow-jobs.

For the girls, it didn't always feel like a choice.  Peer pressure was intense.  If you wanted a boyfriend, it was expected.  And when you're 12 or 13 and just slamming head-long into puberty, you desperately long for acceptance, especially by the opposite sex.  And the boys felt like - well - if he's getting it, then I deserve to have it too.  A dad even stood up at the parent meeting and announced that his son was just doing what he wished he could do at that age.

When I was in middle school I am certain this was happening, but it wasn't quite as common.  More common was groping in the hallway and during movies in the social studies classroom.

As a young girl I can't say that I enjoyed any of that, but I allowed it.

I didn't know what else to do.

I remember feeling incredible attraction to several different boys.  I remember wanting them to like me.  To choose me as their girlfriend.  To dance with me at the 8th Grade Dance.

I was a bit awkward, and so they didn't often choose me for for their girlfriend or their dance partner.  That would have been much too public an acceptance.  But they did grab my butt in the hallway.  They did touch my breasts in social studies class.  And so...  I thought... it seemed better than nothing.

At all ages, we women simply want to be thought beautiful, attractive, lovely. 

My daughter wears her dance costume covered in pink sequins and her pink hair bow and sparkly, strappy shoes and asks her daddy to dance with her.  Asks us to watch her put on a show.  Loves for us to delight in her beauty and personality.

We never really lose that.

It stays with us.  It just manifests in new ways.

We realize there is a great big world outside of our family and we'd like them to accept us too.  We want them to delight in us as we wished our parents would.  For some of us, our daddy's said yes to dancing.  Said yes to applauding our preschool shows.  For others, they turned away: ridiculed us, left our moms.  And for BOTH it is intensely difficult to navigate the pressures that lay before us when we hit middle school and are faced with boys who are riddled with hormones and educated by their peers and the pornographic media that is so readily available on the internet and all around us from the time we are born.

I don't blame the boys.  The media portrays sex as something they deserve in a dating relationship.  And it feels good... obviously.  Oral sex is "better" because it doesn't result in pregnancy.  It feels safer.  And it can be carried out under the lunch table or within a circle of your friends in the parking lot.

The thing is...  it's a really bad idea.  And without a serious committed relationship...  it's degrading.

First of all - oral sex can transmit the same diseases.  You can get them all, Ladies.  On the Lifetime program that my mom watched an STD infected so many girls there was a line stretching down the hallway outside the nurses office for treatment and testing.

But second, and really more importantly, this is about our dignity.

This is a huge loss for girls AND boys, and while boys shouldn't be asking for it, they're battling the urge to fit in, the screaming of their hormones AND the fact that YOU are allowing it.

If all the girls got together and said NO, then the boys would back down.

Sure, it would get ugly for a few days.  Maybe even a few weeks.  But girls need to stick together on things like this.  We are strong together.  You can take a stand at your school.

You're not a plaything or a cheap hooker.  You are a young woman of dignity.  You are beautiful and priceless and there will be a man someday who won't ask such things of you.  And those men will be much more common if you stand up for yourself today.  Should they get a clue about treating you like a princess?  HECK YES.  But as long as they aren't, it's up to us to tell them NO.  It's up to us to hold on to who we are and not give that away to a boy just because he asks, or pressures, or gets his friends to pressure.  Because after you give a guy a blow-job, you don't have a lot of other places to go, physically.  And he has already used you just to pleasure himself.  It's like masturbation with a doll.  You can't go places emotionally with a boy that you've already gone everywhere with physically.  If it happens, it's rare, and you've got to take a lot of steps backward to go forward.

Take it from a girl who's been there.  Who has felt the pressure and who has given in.  Who has been called "dirty" by someone she loved.  Who has tried everything to get a boy to stay - and they left anyway.  Guys respect you if you stand up to them.  If you use your smarts.  If you respect yourself.  It is okay, even today, even in our rape-driven, sex-on-the-first-date, Cosmo reading culture to look a boy (or man) in the eyes and say, "I'm not that kind of girl."  It doesn't matter how many times you've already given in.  You can change.  You can be bigger and better than you were.  You can be a leader and stand up for you and the other young women around around you.

You can walk away.

The Tipping Point: Women in the Olympics

The 2012 London Games have been a huge turning point for Women.  Women in the media.  Women in the workplace.  Women in sports.  Women in general.

The US women won 58 medals.  FIFTY-EIGHT.  We didn't top the medal count for women in the world.  But we. won. 58 medals.

More than the men in our country.

But that isn't the point.

The medals aren't the point.

The topping of the men isn't the point.

The point is that the women of this Olympics have changed the face of women's sports and women in the media forever.

Never before have women represented our country so faithfully, so beautifully, and with so much gusto and sportsmanship.

It was with great pride that I viewed every women's event.

I swelled with joy as our women's beach volleyball team overcame Brazil, whose team was trash-talking and even arguing with one another during the game.  Our women were losing, but they fought together and with unity and they were rewarded with victory.

All of the U.S. women displayed positive responses to winning and to losing.

The announcers couldn't be silent.  Near the end of the games all of them were raving about women in sports.  Women being just as exciting if not more exciting to watch than men.  This commercial from Nike sums it up for me:

I cried watching it.

These Olympics prove we've come a long way when it comes to equality and women's sports.

And in that, I am proud to be an American.

And yet...there's a tarnish on that gold: our reaction to Gabby Douglas.  The young woman who made history when she took gold in the all-around.

The tweets and FB posts in reaction?  They talked about how she had "bad hair".  I was floored by that.  She wins gold and we're talking about the way her hair looks?  Oy.

The worst thing?

It's us.

It's the women who are tweeting and posting on FB about Gabby's hair.

Forgetting Gabby's spirit.  Forgetting Gabby's skill and precision.  Forgetting how she brought home gold for this country.  Forgetting her beauty, inside and out.

It's an issue.  A serious one.  Because it proves something:  the biggest thing holding back women in this country?  Other women.

We look at a girl like Gabby Douglas and we see someone with whom we must compete, instead of someone we must lift up.  We want to tear her down.  We have a problem with her hair.

Bottom line?  That's jealousy, people.  Pure and simple.

We need to get over it.  We need to get over ourselves.

For the good of women and girls all over the world - let's take some pride in who we are as women.  In the fact that there are strong, amazing, intelligent and talented women all over the world making history.  And let's stand behind them.  Together.

Fifty Shades of Grey: My Thoughts

There's been quite a lot of buzz about the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy by E.L. James.

It's interesting because erotic fiction doesn't always make it into the mainstream critical circle, let alone into the hands of most mainstream readers.

Fifty Shades... obviously, has been different.

As you all know, I lean strongly to the feminist side of the femininity spectrum.  I'm for equality in all things.  I absolutely believe that we are currently living in a rape culture where victim blaming is rampant.  I still see the struggle for women to get the same jobs as men, to be treated in the same way, to be upheld as truly equal members of society.  I have serious issue with the fact that, as a woman, it is up to me to "make the right choices" when it comes to walking home at night or doing a trail run alone, rather than up to our society at large to say that rape is unacceptable and disgusting and I should be able to walk wherever I please without fear.

But there are things where I differ.

Things where my love for Jesus and my husband and my family trump the feminist party line. 

One of those things is when it comes to lust.

There are those feminists who feel that women should be able to express their sexuality just as much as men should.  Here I agree.  But there are also those feminists who believe that this means we should be able to put our bodies on display if we want to, sleep with multiple partners if we want to, watch porn if we want to, and generally behave as men behaving badly. 

That's not the kind of equality I'm looking for.

I'm looking for an equality that looks more like mutual respect.


In college and part of high school I hoped that men would look at me with lust in their eyes.  It meant attention, and that was what I craved.  It was good enough for me.  I thought lust was equatable with love, or at the very least "like".  Now I'm a little more aware of what that means.  Lust is never love.  Lust is undressing with your eyes.  It's masturbation when you're alone in your bedroom or in the shower with a certain person on campus in mind.  Lust is thinking about sex with that person with whom you don't have the emotional and mental relationship to back up the physical longings.  It's not love.

I have always had issues with lust.  Ever since I had an inkling about sexuality, lust has been a problem.  My having issues with lust and giving into those wants does not make me more of a woman.  Cheating on my husband mentally and emotionally is still cheating.  Looking through pictures of muscle bound actors covered in beads of sweat and feeling my heart-rate increase for kicks?  Still cheating.

I stopped watching romantic movies years ago because I always left the theatre feeling empty.  Feeling "why isn't my boyfriend like that" or "why isn't my husband like that" or "why don't men understand that".  I always left with all sorts of activated triggers about ex-boyfriends and handsome colleagues and the cute barista at Starbucks.  I didn't think about the fact that the writers were writing specifically to play on those places in my psyche.  To hold men up to an impossible standard - one they could never achieve.  That's not equality or respect.  In fact, it's the opposite of both.

I see this as porn for women, essentially.

And porn is something that feminists get all hot and bothered about.  A thing that Christians get all hot and bothered about:

It's degrading.  It's wrong.  The women in that industry are sick or needy or damaged.  Or whatever.  Some of us say "it's okay to watch it under these circumstances".  Or women and men should both watch porn and enjoy it in a healthy way.

Whatever.

It's porn.  When men watch it, we call them pigs.  We say they're struggling with an addiction. 

When our husbands have a cache on the computer filled with naked women we're enraged.

When we find Playboys under our son's bed or in our dad's closet we are mortified.

Because we feel cheated.  And cheap.  And we feel like we must not be good enough if they need this other thing to satisfy this part of them.  And it feels crappy.

And yet...

I see my women friends, who also claim Christ posting pictures of shirtless men on their facebook pages as "motivation".  Women who would be scandalized if some other women's husband posted a picture of some babe in a bikini.

And tons of women around me from all faiths and walks are filling their minds with Fifty Shades of Grey.

At the pool today I heard a woman recommending it to a friend: "It's SUCH a great book."

Bottom line?  It's porn.

I'm not writing this to pass judgement on you for reading it.  Maybe you can read it and feel nothing.  Maybe it doesn't affect you physically.  Maybe you don't get all hot and bothered reading eroticism.  Maybe you don't put the book down and wish your life were something else.  We are not all strong in the same areas.

Some of us, like me, can't watch a romantic comedy without bitterness.  And I certainly can't read Fifty Shades... without sinning.


A book like that is like poison for a person like me.  

And yep, I call myself a feminist.  I'm absolutely looking for equality.  But real equality.  Like in my marriage - I trust that my husband isn't looking at magazines with pictures of scantily clad women and wishing I were more like them later that night - because aside from the sin argument, it would make me feel crappy.  And when love somebody, you don't want them to feel crappy.  You want them to know you love them.  That's supposed to be clear.  And for my part, I'm staying away from anything that will make me wish he were something different than what he is. It's not about asserting my feminine independence or sexuality or anything else.  It's about the mutual understanding between me and the man I love that we won't intentionally do things to make the other person feel crappy.  Cause that's a big part of equality.  Love.  Respect.

If we all worked hard to stop making people of other genders feel crappy, equality wouldn't be an issue.

So...  all that said...  if you can read Fifty Shades of Grey without making someone feel crappy (including you in those moments after you put it down), go ahead and read it.  I've heard it's all the rage.  But if you can't, then don't.  Get your partner a sexy grey tie and work it out amongst yourselves.

Controversy

So apparently the Vagina Monologues are super controversial.

I suppose I knew this somewhere in the back of my mind, but at our last rehearsal we heard from the director that the college campus where we are performing has been receiving a lot of hate mail regarding their choice to perform the piece.

This sort of stuff blows my mind.

I guess it really shouldn't, but when it comes to art, for me, if you don't want it to happen in your hometown, just don't go.  It's much more effective than sending hate mail or picketing or something.  It's art.  Artists want their stuff to be seen.  Performing to an empty house is really disconcerting for an actor.  If you don't like what they're going to perform, don't attend.  But please, do your homework first.

It's my assumption (perhaps, I admit, a poor one) that the people who are sending this hate mail see the title:  The Vagina Monologues and assume the worst - I suppose perhaps some people think we're performing some sort of pornographic nineteen seventies fringe feminist protest against society.  I've seen some of that art work, and believe me, you can say it's not porn all you want, it's porn.  But this piece is not porn.

This piece is a gathering of stories from two hundred women who were asked to talk about their vaginas.  Yes, it's a body part we cover.  Yes, it's a "private part".  But what came out of the interviews were amazing, touching, funny, heart-wrenching stories about womanhood in all parts of the world, from all ages and all walks of society.  The very rich, the very poor.  The matron, the sex worker, the entrepreneur, the six year old, the homeless woman.  The Vagina Monologues are performed as a protest against violence against women.  It's a way of telling stories that would have been voiceless otherwise.  A way to raise awareness, and to have a few laughs at the same time.

Is it appropriate for children?  Not on your life.

It's rated R, if I had to rate it.  There is straight talk about rape, abuse, sexuality, sex, men, women, pain, and self-discovery.  There is cussing.  If hearing about those things is going to be upsetting to you, you should probably not attend a performance.

The first time I saw the V-Monologues I felt uncomfortable more than once.  I don't think you're supposed to feel all that comfortable.

I worry about the hate mail thing.  I wonder what is going to happen on the night.  Most likely, the person who sent them mail won't show up to protest.  I'm certain they won't come to see the show.  Maybe there will be picketing.  Maybe shouting or more hate mail or a letter to the editor.

I wonder what people are afraid of.

I'm sad because, while I may feel uncomfortable about some of the pieces, or while I may not be able, myself to talk about some of these topics candidly, I know that they are important topics.  I wish that the people sending these hateful letters would buy themselves a copy of the script and read the piece that is upsetting them so much.

But I suppose it isn't really art until somebody says it's not, or that it's bad, or that they hate it.  It's the controversy that makes it great, much of the time.

I find it odd that we didn't receive any hate mail about Butterfly at the community theatre but there is this upheaval about something happening on the college campus.  College campuses are traditionally places where art is born and embraced and fed - places where students are asked to stretch themselves farther and think about things they hadn't thought about before.

What's going on here, exactly?

Why aren't these same people sending letters to the local strip club or speaking out against violence in a way they deem more appropriate?  Why not ask to engage in a dialogue with the director about why she might see this piece as okay, and show up with an open mind.  Why not write your own piece in response and see if you can get it published?  Why not write to Eve Ensler and ask her what possessed her to write this piece, and be prepared for her response?  Why not peruse the V-Day page and see what the buzz is all about - perhaps think of a better way to address the issues in Haiti and the Congo that women are facing today?

There's got to be something better to do with your time than to send threatening or hateful messages to a tiny little college that has chosen to perform a particular work of art that has obtained some recognition in the theatre and feminist community.

Have you seen The Vagina Monologues performed or read the piece from a script?  What's your take on hate mail?  What do you think the college's response should be (the have upped security on campus and there will be a guard at the auditorium door this year - last year, one of the campuses canceled their performance as a result of the mail)?  What do you think of The Vagina Monologues?

Election Day.

Today is a day of great import in our nation.

It is election day.  It is a day of which some in other nations can only dream.  A day where we exercise the ultimate power of the people.  We show that the combined strength of those at the grass roots can make a difference.

It doesn't matter if you're black or white, male or female, rich or poor - you have the RIGHT in this nation to VOTE.  To make your voice heard. 

Most people won't vote today.  Those same people will have no trouble later complaining about the government and how they fail to perform up to par or how they have screwed up the country or the town or the lives of individuals.  It is very easy to sit back in your lounge chair and watch the election results and judge everyone else. 

The funny thing is, it's not that much more difficult to get up out of that chair and get yourself to your polling place and cast your very own ballot.

As a woman, not to vote seems quite an ungrateful action to me.

During the Women's Suffrage Movement women suffered for this right.  They were ridiculed, jailed, abused, taunted, beaten, and bound because they felt that women had just as much right to turn the political tide of this country as men.  That a woman had the INTELLECT to voice her opinion.  To research her options.  That she had just as much brain power as a man.

This was a RADICAL idea.  And women were willing to fight and die for the cause. 

If for no other reason, get out to your polling place today to honor them.  Those women who fought for YOU.  For your personal right to walk to a polling place and cast your ballot.  A great stride on the road to freedoms for women.  To rights for women.  These first wave feminists dared to think about what could happen if they won.  Dared to dream about a different future for their daughters.  A brighter one.

March with them today.  Remember them today.  Cast YOUR vote TODAY in their honor and memory.  Make your voice heard.

Vote.

Interesting?

A fellow blogger recently posted a link to a list of the discrimination faced by children in our country on a regular basis with no one batting an eye.  The blog also discussed that the feminist agenda should also be one of aiding other minorities and oppressed peoples.  She asserted in her blog that children are one of these groups world-wide, and say what you will, but I have to agree.  There is no other group on the planet taken advantage of so much as children.

From the linked blog, I was also directed to several other similar lists, one of which was the one listed below:


The Male Privilege Checklist
1. My odds of being hired for a job, when competing against female applicants, are probably skewed in my favor. The more prestigious the job, the larger the odds are skewed.
2. I can be confident that my co-workers won’t think I got my job because of my sex - even though that might be true. (More).
3. If I am never promoted, it’s not because of my sex.
4. If I fail in my job or career, I can feel sure this won’t be seen as a black mark against my entire sex’s capabilities.
5. I am far less likely to face sexual harassment at work than my female co-workers are. (More).
6. If I do the same task as a woman, and if the measurement is at all subjective, chances are people will think I did a better job.
7. If I’m a teen or adult, and if I can stay out of prison, my odds of being raped are relatively low. (More).
8. On average, I am taught to fear walking alone after dark in average public spaces much less than my female counterparts are.
9. If I choose not to have children, my masculinity will not be called into question.
10. If I have children but do not provide primary care for them, my masculinity will not be called into question.
11. If I have children and provide primary care for them, I’ll be praised for extraordinary parenting if I’m even marginally competent. (More).
12. If I have children and a career, no one will think I’m selfish for not staying at home.
13. If I seek political office, my relationship with my children, or who I hire to take care of them, will probably not be scrutinized by the press.
14. My elected representatives are mostly people of my own sex. The more prestigious and powerful the elected position, the more this is true.
15. When I ask to see “the person in charge,” odds are I will face a person of my own sex. The higher-up in the organization the person is, the surer I can be.
16. As a child, chances are I was encouraged to be more active and outgoing than my sisters. (More).
17. As a child, I could choose from an almost infinite variety of children’s media featuring positive, active, non-stereotyped heroes of my own sex. I never had to look for it; male protagonists were (and are) the default.
18. As a child, chances are I got more teacher attention than girls who raised their hands just as often. (More).
19. If my day, week or year is going badly, I need not ask of each negative episode or situation whether or not it has sexist overtones.
20. I can turn on the television or glance at the front page of the newspaper and see people of my own sex widely represented, every day, without exception.
21. If I’m careless with my financial affairs it won’t be attributed to my sex.
22. If I’m careless with my driving it won’t be attributed to my sex.
23. I can speak in public to a large group without putting my sex on trial.
24. Even if I sleep with a lot of women, there is no chance that I will be seriously labeled a “slut,” nor is there any male counterpart to “slut-bashing.” (More).
25. I do not have to worry about the message my wardrobe sends about my sexual availability or my gender conformity. (More).
26. My clothing is typically less expensive and better-constructed than women’s clothing for the same social status. While I have fewer options, my clothes will probably fit better than a woman’s without tailoring. (More).
27. The grooming regimen expected of me is relatively cheap and consumes little time. (More).
28. If I buy a new car, chances are I’ll be offered a better price than a woman buying the same car. (More).
29. If I’m not conventionally attractive, the disadvantages are relatively small and easy to ignore.
30. I can be loud with no fear of being called a shrew. I can be aggressive with no fear of being called a bitch.
31. I can ask for legal protection from violence that happens mostly to men without being seen as a selfish special interest, since that kind of violence is called “crime” and is a general social concern. (Violence that happens mostly to women is usually called “domestic violence” or “acquaintance rape,” and is seen as a special interest issue.)
32. I can be confident that the ordinary language of day-to-day existence will always include my sex. “All men are created equal,” mailman, chairman, freshman, he.
33. My ability to make important decisions and my capability in general will never be questioned depending on what time of the month it is.
34. I will never be expected to change my name upon marriage or questioned if I don’t change my name.
35. The decision to hire me will never be based on assumptions about whether or not I might choose to have a family sometime soon.
36. Every major religion in the world is led primarily by people of my own sex. Even God, in most major religions, is pictured as male.
37. Most major religions argue that I should be the head of my household, while my wife and children should be subservient to me.
38. If I have a wife or live-in girlfriend, chances are we’ll divide up household chores so that she does most of the labor, and in particular the most repetitive and unrewarding tasks. (More).
39. If I have children with a wife or girlfriend, chances are she’ll do most of the childrearing, and in particular the most dirty, repetitive and unrewarding parts of childrearing.
40. If I have children with a wife or girlfriend, and it turns out that one of us needs to make career sacrifices to raise the kids, chances are we’ll both assume the career sacrificed should be hers.
41. Magazines, billboards, television, movies, pornography, and virtually all of media is filled with images of scantily-clad women intended to appeal to me sexually. Such images of men exist, but are rarer.
42. In general, I am under much less pressure to be thin than my female counterparts are. (More). If I am fat, I probably suffer fewer social and economic consequences for being fat than fat women do. (More).
43. If I am heterosexual, it’s incredibly unlikely that I’ll ever be beaten up by a spouse or lover. (More).
44. Complete strangers generally do not walk up to me on the street and tell me to “smile.” (More: 1 2).
45. On average, I am not interrupted by women as often as women are interrupted by men.
46. I have the privilege of being unaware of my male privilege.

What do you think?

(Compiled by Barry Deutsch, aka “Ampersand.” Permission is granted to reproduce this list in any way, for any purpose, so long as the acknowledgment of Peggy McIntosh’s work is not removed. If possible, I’d appreciate it if folks who use it would tell me how they used it; my email is barry-at-amptoons-dot-com.)
(This is a continually updated document; the most current version of The Male Privilege Checklist can always be found at amptoons.com/blog/the-male-privilege-che… . To see posts discussing the Male Privilege Checklist and various items on it, please visit this archive page).

So.

Watch this.  (Click on the video on the left hand side of the page.)

Let me know what you think.

Wit. Chapter Three.

Tomorrow is press night.  I'm actually pretty stoked.  I think the show is coming together nicely.  And this is coming from a very superstitious theatre person who would normally not say positive things about a show before opening - or at least not quite THIS positive, but I honestly think I have had my fair share of stress thus far this time.

I have also had a very hard time "letting go and letting God."  I know that all my shows pretty much suck unless I allow God to just take over.  I know this, and yet I always still attempt to control everything myself and then end up having a complete panic attack...  okay... several complete panic attacks. 

But...  God is in control.  I will continue to repeat that until I believe it.  Not sure if there is any other way....

Aside from all of this, I am having a very hard time with some of the people on my production staff when it comes to authority.  All of them men.

I am not one of those feminists who hates men.  In fact, I like them a lot.  For much of my life, I preferred their company to that of other women.  For much of my life, I actually thought that women were very annoying and petty and completely uninteresting.  I remember going to this sleepover during this period where I thought that being popular was really important (this will be the subject of another blog, I am certain) and so I decided that I would concentrate on making myself popular, and after I succeeded, and went to a sleepover with the popular girls, I realized that it was perhaps the most boring and horrible decision of my life.  I couldn't believe that they actually talked about the things they were talking about.  It was like a poorly written teenie bopper film.  They literally spent the night talking about make-up and shopping and really stupid boys.  I eventually went upstairs and hung out with the girl's older brother and his friend. 

So, in light of all of that, I have never been one who really felt like I was all oppressed and disrespected by men.  There have been times when I've been upset or felt like I was treated as less than, but never so much as the times during this show.

I'm not going to name names because this is a very public blog, but it's really hard for me to deal with, to be honest.  I have trouble asserting myself when the need to do so comes out of nowhere.

I wish that I could be one of those women who is always prepared for exactly that sort of thing and had an arsenal of stuff to throw back at questionings of ability and insults to your intellect, but alas, I am not, so I've just walked around dismayed.

It would be different if it were about something I thought I sucked at.  I would pretty much just take whatever was dished out to me and agree with them sadly.  But when they question my vision for a show I'm directing, I really just want to punch them in the teeth.  And when they question my knowledge about how to run a rehearsal, I really just want to stab them with a hard, but blunt object.  Like a screwdriver.

Perhaps it isn't became I'm female, but moreso because this is my first time directing in the space.  Not sure.  I will say that I have had no trouble of this nature from the women involved.  Maybe it's because my head is shaved and so I fall into that category where I might be able to be viewed as a man.  I've been thinking about this a lot, especially today when a guy at Walmart who was putting away shopping carts asked Michael and me if we were out Mother's Day shopping for our wives.  I stared blankly and hoped he would figure out that I was, in fact female.

Granted, I was wearing my Dublin soccer jacket, which I admit I bought in the men's section, but I was also wearing my yoga pants and black Nike running shoes with a pink swoosh.

It was one of those times I really wished I had bigger boobs.

Christian Radio

So I admit that sometimes I listen to Christian radio.

I know that it's relatively obvious that I am a Christian from previous posts - but listening to Christian radio is like a whole other classification of Christian-ness.

I listen to this money management program in the afternoons when I got to pick up my son from school and I listen to some other stuff on occasion when the fancy strikes. I don't believe everything I hear. You've got to be SO discerning. It makes me upset, because I feel like the listener trusts this station to be all truthful and perfect and to not have an agenda - but the politics on the station are out of this world. The news broadcast only covers ultra-conservative issues - bit news is the latest pro-life rally rather than the war in Iraq or the economy or the murder down the street. Not that I like hearing bad news, but I do like hearing - well - news. (I'll probably get stoned for all this...)

Anyway, I can get past all those things, but last night I was trying to listen to music on the station, which is a rare occurrence in the first place and in the second place finding GOOD Christian music is pretty impossible - let alone merely RECENT Christian music...

ANYWAY - I was listening for the music and there was this talk program on (SURPRISE!), and I decided to listen because it was about wives loving their husbands better. I figured this was something worth hearing, so I tuned in as I drove through the icy obstacle course that was the road from my house to my destination.

It started out just fine. It talked about the needs of men vs. the needs of women and while they were somewhat questionable, I could accept them. The program said that men have three main needs: to be a hero, to have sex, and there was another one I can't remember right now. Women have two main needs: to be cherished and to be protected. I think Captivating and Wild at Heart are way better at explaining these things and not being offensive and allowing you to keep your dignity - so I would recommend them - but in spite of that, I decided I would accept these terms of needs, and continue listening to the program.

My problem with the whole thing arose when they started talking about how women should cater to men's needs. And what it meant to need "to be protected".

It went off on the whole "wives submit to your husbands" verse in the Bible, which I respect and understand and even follow - but not exactly like they described in the broadcast.

In the broadcast they talked about how since men need "to be a hero", we should allow them to be that by showing our "weakness" whenever the opportunity arises. I think I've talked in this blog before about my experiences when counseling and lifeguarding at Girl Scout Camp during a few summers in late high school and early college.

I was supervising fourth grade girls and they were playing with mice. Yes - mice from out in the middle of the woods. One of my fellow counselors said "Aren't you guys afraid of mice?" and the girl holding the mouse said, "Not really. We just pretend to when boys are around so they'll think we need them." I thought that spoke volumes about our society.

The funny part of the broadcast was that they followed up saying we needed to "show our weaknesses" and even sometimes concoct weaknesses to make our men feel more manly, by saying that women are too manipulative and we need to stop doing that. Isn't pretending to need help when you don't need it being manipulative?

I am happy to have my husband around when I can't open a jar or when there is a mouse in the house (I'm not afraid of them, but I'm not keen on being the person to deal with them, either), but I'm not going to pretend to be afraid of something I'm not afraid of. I'm afraid of plenty without pretending. Perhaps they only meant in this broadcast that we should be HONEST with our husbands, and maybe I was listening with a biased ear - but I don't think so...

The other thing that upset me was that they talked about women who are single and make something of themselves as being discontent and generally unhappy with this situation.

I am a huge believer in the GIFT of singleness.

On the broadcast they discussed how even though there were women out there who were professionals and supporting themselves, none of these women were happy with their situation.

They also explained that women who were married but were the primary breadwinners were not having their need of "being protected" met sufficiently by their men. This is offensive. Period.

I know several women who are the primary breadwinner in their home. They happen to have, for example, a law degree, while their husband is maybe a teacher, or a garbage collector, or a stay at home dad - and so they bring home the bacon, so to speak - and they have a good relationship in spite of this. I also found it offensive that they implied it was emasculating for the man to not make as much money as his spouse, and so even if we, as women, are capable of making more, we shouldn't do it, because it hurts our husband's manhood. I find this faulty on so many levels.

And this is coming from a stay at home mom.

I can see how a man would feel emasculated, but I don't think it's necessarily because he's hard wired that way - I think it's because society tells him that he needs to be the sole supporter of his family - and him letting his wife do that is wrong.

I know that the Bible talks about this - but I also know that the woman was created to be an equal partner to the man - a helper to him - if she needs to work to help the family and her husband as well, to have the lifestyle that they choose, then I don't see anything wrong with that.

I especially see nothing wrong with a single woman making her way in the world and being content with that. Or a mom who decides to work outside the home. I have friends who have tried the stay at home mom thing and totally hated every second of it. They find they are better parents when they work during the day and get to spend real quality time with their children at night.

Having been on both sides of this coin - I really get that. I stay at home now, but I admit I had more energy to do QUALITY time when I was working. Now it's something I have to really work at. When I was working, it came very naturally, as every second spent with my children was a precious commodity.

I'm not trying to say what's wrong and what's right. I think it's up to each couple what works for them, and it's certainly up to each single woman, what is right for her. I think that programming to help us to be better partners is important, but I don't think saying that a woman who is a professional cannot be fulfilled in her life without a husband who is the primary breadwinner is appropriate or accurate.

They also talked about how feminists have ruined the family and the correct relationship between men and women by saying that women should be able to choose to work outside the home. I'm outraged by this as well, of course. Feminism, with all it's foibles, is another human rights movement in it's own right. Maybe the feminists of the seventies were a little crazy - but they made great strides in opening dialogue about tons of issues that were completely taboo before: rape, domestic violence, menstruation, choices in how to give birth to your children, sexual harassment, and more. Their contribution to our society was and is VERY important. They also paved the way for the third wave of feminism, happening right now, the one where it's about what a woman chooses to be and do, rather than what she HAS to be and do, and I feel like this is a GREAT place to be. A woman can wear something feminine to work and still be respected as an equal in the professional world - that's where we are now - or at least moving steadily toward. During the second wave we had to dress like men and act like them to be treated as worthy of the workplace. Now we can contribute AS women. How amazing this new wave will be for our world!

So maybe I should just stop tuning in to that particular station, since it clashes with who I've become as a person... or maybe I should keep tuning in, but with a discerning ear... either way, just be careful what you read and listen to, and accept ultimately as truth. Everyone has an agenda.

some tasteful nudes

Last night I dreamed that I was posing for artistic nude photographs. Black and white. Very tasteful.

I am for this.

I don't know if I am for having myself plastered all over the internet or even the art gallery, but just having some black and white nude photographs of myself is appealing to me.

When I was working on my masters there was a lot of material on women's bodies to go through. I had volumes of feminist art and most of it had to do with the female form, the body of a woman, etc. There were all different ways to look at it, but it was a lot of women, especially in the seventies, exploring what it meant to be a woman - experimenting with how the general public viewed the body of the female of the species.

Many of the artistic experiments were quite disturbing.

In one, Yoko Ono did a live artistic presentation call "Cut Piece", in which she stood before the audience and gave them scissors. They took turns cutting away chunks of her clothing until she was naked.

In another, a woman set several types of tools before the audience and stood before them saying that the tools were to be used on her body in any way the audience desired. The presentation went on for three hours before someone feared for her safety and cut it short. That was after she had been stripped of clothing, cut with razors, had a loaded gun held to her head, and more.

Many pieces in the seventies were also focused on rape and how it was looked at as something of a minor offense. There was a woman who painted herself with stage blood, stripped herself of her bottoms and covered herself with leaves in a park to see how people would react when faced with what appeared to be a rape victim in real life. She wanted to give a face to the idea.

I am not sure if these things were necessary, but things did change when it came to rape after this second wave of feminism. It became a heavier crime with heavier punishment attached, but I feel we still have a long way to go in that area. As long as people are using rape as slang for doing well at something: "I totally raped that test" or as a throw away for being conquered at something that means nothing: "He raped me at that video game", there is a lot of progress to be made.

Here in feminism's third wave, I think it may be time to bring back the beauty surrounding the female form.

The female form was explored by male artists for years as an object of beauty, though women were treated as objects, as possessions, their form was almost worshiped by male artists who painted it.

During the second wave of feminism, women defaced the female form, showed what had been done to it literally and figuratively by society so that people would stand up and take notice. Now, as we have taken so many steps forward in society, perhaps it is time to re-establish the beauty that is woman. Now we can still feel powerful in a flowing skirt and peasant top with long flowing hair, or just as powerful with jeans, a t-shirt, and a shaved head because we are women, and not because we have to deny that in order to be successful in the workplace or elsewhere. Perhaps it is again time to embrace our physical beauty.

So I'm thinking about some black and whites on a bare sort of back ground, or maybe in the water. Something tasteful and simple and startling. If those things can be.

a domestic trap?

Michael and I are throwing around the idea of homeschooling. It's something we've been talking about since Jonah has started coming into his own and both of us grew tired of the public school system.

Things reached a head when we realized the severity of Jonah's food allergies and that traditional school simply wasn't working for him.

He currently attends the local Montessori School, but the tuition is breaking the bank, literally, as we smashed my piggy bank I've had since high school and counted out $84 in coins so we could afford groceries. A $635 tuition bill would be a nice one to lay aside.

Jonah is also highly gifted. At least I think he is.

He's not a super genius. He's not reading at a 12th grade level or multiplying large sums in his head or writing concertos. He IS reading, doing basic arithmetic, and creating his own science experiments. He's also extremely precocious.

I have my doubts at times, about what we should do when it comes to education.

I am a product of the public school system and I feel I turned out alright. My husband attended private Christian School most of his life and turned out about the same as I did. I know people from all walks of education and when it comes right down to it, it's about who they are as people and how their parents maintained the home. Sure, teachers can affect kids in a huge way, but not before their parents have already molded them in a specific vein.

I've been a stay at home mom now for a little over thirteen months. That sounds insane to me. I never thought I would do the stay at home mom thing. Never ever ever in a billion years. My education was important to me. Empowerment as a woman is important to me. Further education is high on my priority list. I have a master's degree. I love teaching. But I found, as a mother, that I love my kids more, and daycare wasn't working for my family.

Jonah had fun there and nice friends, but he was drawing with only the black and red crayons, literally, and it was time to reassess our lifestyle.

I'm not sure I'm capable of homeschooling.

It was something somewhat looked down on when I was a kid and also something that to me seemed a trap for a woman. To be teaching the kids at home, changing diapers - putting off life for another year and another year until, in the end, what is left of you as an individual?

But I have worked hard to maintain my personage since quitting my job. And I've found a lot of myself that was lost in my career moreso than it has been lost at my home.

No, I don't have time to sit down and finish my novel or my painting that has lulled in the easel now for six months or more, but I do have time to let my mind paint pictures. I do have time to act in the local theatre, direct around the town, throw some culture into the education of my children as we listen to Rossinni and identify the instruments in the orchestra in the CD playing in the living room.

Our family is just different. We're vagabond artists. We can't help it. My husband's job on base is there to put food on the table. And while he's a mathematician, he's also an artist. I have never met someone who can more fully use both sides of his brain. I'm the right brained psychopath with a feminist streak. So our kids and traditional schooling? The public school system? It just doesn't seem right.

And me, the feminist, Christian, artist, hippie, vegetarian...well...I guess homeschool does fit, after all.

ultramarathon...what?

I finished read the book Ultramarathon Man just about a week ago. I must admit, I was inspired. Dean Karnazes is pretty bloody spectacular and does things that I honestly didn't know were possibly for the human body. He runs 100 mile races like they're nothing. He runs 150 miles overnight for fun - runs while holding an entire large pizza and a cheesecake, runs through the desert, runs 1200 miles home from running 50 marathons in 50 states... Okay...he's amazing.

What was hard for me, was noting that Dean is wealthy. Very, in fact. I noted with dismay some of the race entry fees, the support needed, his family's RV, and more.

To put it lightly, my family is pretty...well...poor right now. Sure, we have a nice house and cars, but with me not working, things are tight. We don't buy great food. We buy cheap food. I'm reading Dean's diet and thinking - yeah right, we could never afford to eat like this. He has this paragraph where he talks about how it's a sacrifice he's willing to make to eat healthier and to feed his family better things.

The problem for me is, that sacrifice isn't exactly an option.

Now, I COULD try to sell this house, probably lose money on it, and move to a small apartment, but I'm not sure that's the right answer.

I'm training as a runner. It seems to be the feminist thing to do right now. Not that I'm on that bandwagon, but I shaved my head, right?

I have found that though people look at my funny when I pick up my son from preschool and at the pediatrician's office, people are more respectful of me as a serious athlete. It's kind of funny how things work that way.

"Wow, she shaved her head, she must be really fast!"

Gotta love it.

Either way, I'm not sure if this blog today is even making sense, but I'm motivated by Dean, and saddened at the same time.

I think it's awesome the he has the extra cash to do what he's doing, and he admits that it's an advantage in his book. I think that his book is really very well written and I would recommend it to anyone... but I must say, I think I can do the same sorts of things on a smaller budget. There's gotta be a way. Running is supposed to be a cheap sport, right?