Cute Boys and Sexting.

I'm writing to address this article from the Daily Mail.  And I am angry.

In the article, the problem with "sexting", which the article defines roughly as sending sexual pictures via cell phone, is addressed.

The biggest issue, according to the article, is that young girls are sending boys nude and sexually explicit photos of themselves at the boys' request.  These photos are then distributed around school, around the internet, and eventually many of them end up on websites frequented by pedophiles.  It is not a small number of girls who are sending these pictures.  And it is not a small number that go viral.  One girl said that her sexualized photograph is the first one of her to appear when doing a Google search of her name.

This is all very sad.  Extremely sad.

But it's not why I'm furious.

I'm furious because this article talks about how we need to talk to our daughters.  About how we need to tell our young women that this is inappropriate, wrong, bad, vulnerable...  that it could affect their futures.  And it says nothing about what we need to tell our young men.

I find it wrong on many levels.

First of all, young women who do this are not wrong or bad or horrible people.  They are girls who want acceptance, love, popularity, kindness, value, and affection.  They are after something real.  Something that at the age of 13 or 14 they feel can only come from a cute boy.  I know, because I was one of those girls.  I would absolutely, positively, have had these types of pictures of me out there.  And it has nothing to do with my parents or how they "failed" me.  And it had nothing to do with me being "that kind of girl".  It had everything to do with the fact that boys in this age group are taught that they are owed something.  It had everything to do with the fact that there is some kind of sick rite of passage that allows boys to think they have a right to act as conqueror.  And girls are taught that this is acceptable.  And boys are taught that they are owed.  And that it is appropriate.  And that there will be no repercussions for them.  In fact, there might be kudos, raised status, and praise.

When we are very young women sitting in kindergarten class and a boy is pulling our pigtails or pushing us on the playground or calling us names or stealing our swing and we come crying to an authority - be it a parents, teacher, or other adult - so often we are told "he picks on you because he likes you". "He pulls your hair because he likes you."  "Oh, it's cute, you have a little boyfriend."  And we internalize this.  But we don't understand flirtation.  To us, it looks like boys are mean because they like me.  Boys hurt me when they like me.  Boys humiliate me when they like me.  And the boy is not punished because they are so cute.  And we girls are taught that the cute boys are the valuable boys.  It's a cute boy you want to catch.  And so a cycle begins.  And there are victims.  And there are conquerors.

And in middle school and high school our hormones kick in and there is a whole other type of victim and a whole other type of conqueror and we are still young and we do not see this change and we do not see the difference between the hair pulling and the name calling and the boy telling us that he loves us and because he loves us he wants to have these pictures of us.  He wants us to perform this sexual favor, this sexual act... he wants us to write him a steamy letter.  We think it is normal for our asses to be grabbed and our breasts to be fondled in the hallway.  And we do not expect that he will share the picture with our peers or that he will pass the letter around the lunch table because somehow things are twisted in our minds - we see marriage as a place where men treat women with some kind of sanctity but we see this abuse as the rite of passage we must wade through in order to get there.  We believe at this stage that these young boys really like us and that they want these things because someday we will be married and it will be okay and YES we believe that.

And we leave the nice guys in the dust because we've been socialized to fall in love with the jerk.

Some of us end up marrying the jerk.

Some of us date a jerk and then we wake up and shift our paradigm and decide that society has lied to us and we pursue the boy who will treat us with kindness.

Some of us are lucky and see through the lie before we lose our dignity or our parents' trust - but we are often ridiculed for it by our peers and it is hard to see it through to a pleasant end.

I don't think that girls should send these pictures to their boyfriends.  Ever.  And girls need to be told that it is okay to say NO.  Girls need to be taught that their value is not wrapped up in their boyfriend or their popularity at school or their "reputation".  Girls need to be told that they are beautiful and awesome and powerful and that they don't need to have a boyfriend to prove it.  Girls need to be valued for their personalities and their intellect and their achievements.  Girls need to know that the boy treating them like dirt on the playground is not cute.  And that bullying is bullying is bullying no matter what your gender identification.  Girls need to know that they are not a prize to be won but a person with whom to have a relationship and that relationships are not based upon physical affection or the amount of information or body parts you reveal and anyone who thinks otherwise is not worth your time.

And it's about time we stop talking about girls and what they need to to and their responsibilities in an already victim blaming culture where boys think it's okay to take photographs of their rape victims and post them online as a disgusting rite of passage trophy piece to prove to their friends something about society's twisted image of masculinity.

It's time that we told boys that it is not okay to pull a girls pigtails.  It is not okay to hurt someone, period.  It is not okay to ask your girlfriend to pose for pornography.

It is important and very much okay to value women.  To protect them when they are smaller or weaker than you might be.  That a good boyfriend and a great man is someone who stands up for girls.  Who treats them with kindness.  Who understands consent and that consent isn't always about yes or no but about an intelligent assessment of a situation in which everyone is comfortable - and yes, it is your responsibility to recognize if a girl is actually interested vs. terrified and no matter what is going on in your pants you need to understand feelings, emotions, and tone of voice and if you can't do that yet, then you have no business in the bedroom with a woman.  I don't care how old you are.

We need to teach boys the consequences of asking a girl for a picture like this.  Explain what it will do to her and why that isn't okay:  It's not okay to ruin someone's life as your rite of passage.

Of course we need to explain that to girls too.  But we also need to understand that for young people who go to school the school environment is their world and survival there is much more important at this stage than survival in "the real world.".  Young people would much rather go through a school day upheld as valuable and beautiful by their peers without bullying and pain than be respected by a circle of adults.  They will do what it takes to survive in that environment even to their future detriment.

I wrote in my diary when I was 14 years old:

"A note to my future self when I am a teacher - remember that right now, getting a boy to like you is the most important thing.  Having a boyfriend is really important and you really feel like you are in love with them."

And I don't want to let that young girl down.

She wrote that there for a reason.  For posterity.  To remember.

Let us not fail her.

Let us empower her.  Let us help her to understand what real love looks like.  What real men look like.  How to say no.  How to see the difference between affection and victimization.  Give her tools.  Give her words to say.  Give her social value outside of a boyfriend.

And let us empower our young men.  Even through the bullying they might encounter on their end when they say this is wrong and refuse to share the photo of the naked young girl or even refuse to look at it.  Explain to them the value of other people.  The value of women in our society and culture.  The value of standing up for others.

It is a cold and difficult world in our school system.  There are not enough teachers to see every action, move, note, and text message.  Kids are on their own for the majority of the day.  They need more tools to navigate the harsh realities of crowded hallways and clique-filled lunch tables and social anxiety and peer pressure.  Help them.  Have the hard conversations.  Value the things that are truly valuable.  Be happy when your daughter dates someone who isn't necessarily cute, but who treats her with respect and integrity.

And remember that it all starts with how we see their behavior on the playground.

Oral Sex

I titled this "Oral Sex" because not only is that what this post is about, but I knew it would be eye-catching.  I also knew that when people typed it into Google hoping for some tips and tricks, they might just get this post instead, and gain a different sort of understanding.

I spent the past week at my parents' house, which gave me a rare opportunity to talk with my mom almost uninterrupted.

We talk via telephone often, but there are always chores or kids calling to me in the background, and my thoughts can get muddled.

We've become friends over these last several years, my mom and me.  It hasn't always been that way.  There was a lot of lost trust and argument and general dislike through the years... especially the teenage ones.  We have our differences now, but we've chosen the road of sorting them out over coffee, instead of estrangement, and I'm thankful.

This past week we got to talking about how things have changed since she was attending the public school system.

She told me about a movie that she watched on Lifetime that discussed oral sex in middle school, and how it is becoming so common - even at school.

I already knew this, unfortunately.

A school in our area ended up with separate lunch tables for boys and girls and banned recess because 11 - 13 year olds were using the time for, let's face it, blow-jobs.

For the girls, it didn't always feel like a choice.  Peer pressure was intense.  If you wanted a boyfriend, it was expected.  And when you're 12 or 13 and just slamming head-long into puberty, you desperately long for acceptance, especially by the opposite sex.  And the boys felt like - well - if he's getting it, then I deserve to have it too.  A dad even stood up at the parent meeting and announced that his son was just doing what he wished he could do at that age.

When I was in middle school I am certain this was happening, but it wasn't quite as common.  More common was groping in the hallway and during movies in the social studies classroom.

As a young girl I can't say that I enjoyed any of that, but I allowed it.

I didn't know what else to do.

I remember feeling incredible attraction to several different boys.  I remember wanting them to like me.  To choose me as their girlfriend.  To dance with me at the 8th Grade Dance.

I was a bit awkward, and so they didn't often choose me for for their girlfriend or their dance partner.  That would have been much too public an acceptance.  But they did grab my butt in the hallway.  They did touch my breasts in social studies class.  And so...  I thought... it seemed better than nothing.

At all ages, we women simply want to be thought beautiful, attractive, lovely. 

My daughter wears her dance costume covered in pink sequins and her pink hair bow and sparkly, strappy shoes and asks her daddy to dance with her.  Asks us to watch her put on a show.  Loves for us to delight in her beauty and personality.

We never really lose that.

It stays with us.  It just manifests in new ways.

We realize there is a great big world outside of our family and we'd like them to accept us too.  We want them to delight in us as we wished our parents would.  For some of us, our daddy's said yes to dancing.  Said yes to applauding our preschool shows.  For others, they turned away: ridiculed us, left our moms.  And for BOTH it is intensely difficult to navigate the pressures that lay before us when we hit middle school and are faced with boys who are riddled with hormones and educated by their peers and the pornographic media that is so readily available on the internet and all around us from the time we are born.

I don't blame the boys.  The media portrays sex as something they deserve in a dating relationship.  And it feels good... obviously.  Oral sex is "better" because it doesn't result in pregnancy.  It feels safer.  And it can be carried out under the lunch table or within a circle of your friends in the parking lot.

The thing is...  it's a really bad idea.  And without a serious committed relationship...  it's degrading.

First of all - oral sex can transmit the same diseases.  You can get them all, Ladies.  On the Lifetime program that my mom watched an STD infected so many girls there was a line stretching down the hallway outside the nurses office for treatment and testing.

But second, and really more importantly, this is about our dignity.

This is a huge loss for girls AND boys, and while boys shouldn't be asking for it, they're battling the urge to fit in, the screaming of their hormones AND the fact that YOU are allowing it.

If all the girls got together and said NO, then the boys would back down.

Sure, it would get ugly for a few days.  Maybe even a few weeks.  But girls need to stick together on things like this.  We are strong together.  You can take a stand at your school.

You're not a plaything or a cheap hooker.  You are a young woman of dignity.  You are beautiful and priceless and there will be a man someday who won't ask such things of you.  And those men will be much more common if you stand up for yourself today.  Should they get a clue about treating you like a princess?  HECK YES.  But as long as they aren't, it's up to us to tell them NO.  It's up to us to hold on to who we are and not give that away to a boy just because he asks, or pressures, or gets his friends to pressure.  Because after you give a guy a blow-job, you don't have a lot of other places to go, physically.  And he has already used you just to pleasure himself.  It's like masturbation with a doll.  You can't go places emotionally with a boy that you've already gone everywhere with physically.  If it happens, it's rare, and you've got to take a lot of steps backward to go forward.

Take it from a girl who's been there.  Who has felt the pressure and who has given in.  Who has been called "dirty" by someone she loved.  Who has tried everything to get a boy to stay - and they left anyway.  Guys respect you if you stand up to them.  If you use your smarts.  If you respect yourself.  It is okay, even today, even in our rape-driven, sex-on-the-first-date, Cosmo reading culture to look a boy (or man) in the eyes and say, "I'm not that kind of girl."  It doesn't matter how many times you've already given in.  You can change.  You can be bigger and better than you were.  You can be a leader and stand up for you and the other young women around around you.

You can walk away.

Not Oppressed?

I've heard many state that women aren't an oppressed group.

I've thought about it a lot, honestly.

Growing up, I don't remember ever feeling oppressed.

There were times when I thought it must be a lot more fun to be a boy - but this was never because of restrictions placed upon me by my parents or society, just because they weren't so petty in conversation.

I was annoyed when I realized that girls couldn't play football, but it never struck me as oppressive.  I was angry when they kicked the girls off of the baseball team in fourth grade and sent them to the softball field, even when they were perfectly good baseball players - but I didn't think of this as oppression.

This weekend, however, while hanging around the theatre, I heard about the Crime and Punishment Museum.

I never knew about the severe oppression.  There were special torture devices for women who gossiped.  For women who disobeyed their husbands. For women who were "too quarrelsome".

We discussed it in jest, but it made my blood boil that such things ever existed.

And then, I saw this:

Sensei Keiko Fukuda was just presented with the 10th Dan (degree) in Judo.  She was a 5th degree black belt for thirty years, because a woman had never made it past that rank.  When asked if she could move on, the powers that be said that because there was no precedent for a woman, she should not be allowed.

It had nothing to do with her skills.  It had nothing to do with her understanding.  It was only her gender that prevented her from moving on in her art.

I had heard of oppression in The Congo and several other parts of Africa.  I had heard of oppression in Iran.  I knew of the disposal of Chinese babies who happened to be born female.

I had not heard of this in the martial arts.

My son takes tae kwon do locally and there are at least as many girls as boys at the do jang each time we visit.  They are equally capable, equally interested...  I can't imagine them being kept from progressing.

I know that we enjoy a little more equality when it comes to our gender in the United States, but we still have a long way to go.

Learning the history of what women have endured (and I'm sure I'll be doing more research into those devices seen at Crime and Punishment) has opened my eyes to just how far women have come, and just what we've had to fight for.

Silence means No.

I recently posted a blog from a friend on the R.J. Twitter feed about rape - and what exactly means "No."

We've heard "No means no."  But what about other things?

What about:  "I have a boyfriend."

What about:  "You're drunk."

What about:  "I'm not sure if I want to."

What about:  "You're hurting me."

What about:  silence.

It was the one that struck me most. 

When I was fourteen I had this boyfriend.

I didn't know what I was doing and he didn't either, but it was silence. 

I never said "no".  I never said anything.  I just... went away.  Or I was... just there. 

There are times when we don't know what to say.

Times when we are afraid that saying something will lose us someone, or something.  Something we think we can't afford to lose and so we say nothing.

We are silent. 

We allow whatever it is that is happening to happen and we think that because we were silent we aren't hurting anyone and we're keeping ourselves innocent.

We didn't agree to it.  It happened TO us.

And we are keeping the person doing it from getting upset, from leaving, from knowing that we don't know what the heck we're doing.  That we're really much too young or much too scared or much too lonely or much too blinded or whatever it is... silence...  it means "not ready".  It means "afraid."  It means "unsure".  It means "don't leave me."  It means "No."

Because doing something for someone because you think it's what will keep them around isn't doing it for "love".  It's doing it for obligation.  And that's a resounding NO. 

It doesn't have to be about sex.  It doesn't have to be called "rape".

It can be about him putting his arm around you too hard at the hockey game.

It can be about him making you do things you've never even heard of in the movie theatre.

It can be about sneaking around because he'll leave if you don't.

It can be about hurting yourself or other people to keep him.

It can be about hand holding or kissing or heavy petting or oral sex or elaborate touching or him watching you take your clothes off or asking you to write specific letters or send specific texts or take photographs you were embarrassed about taking.

Silence.

You can't speak.

You don't know what to say.

You're frozen.

It means




NO.

Extremities

About a week ago I finished reading the play Extremities by William Mastrosimone.  I was shocked to check out the copyright just now and find that it was written in 1982.  It is still extremely (pun not really intended) poignant.

The play is about rape.  Plain and simple.

The first ten to fifteen minutes of the piece plays out a scene in which a woman who has been going about her daily routine in her bathrobe and PJs is confronted by a man who walks into her house and asks for his friend, "Joe".  When she asks him to leave, he refuses, and attempts to rape her.

The scene is graphic and difficult to read.  I can't imagine watching it without feeling nauseous.

Marjorie, the woman, is eventually able to get Raul, the rapist, away from her by spraying him in the face with wasp spray.

She eventually turns the tables on Raul, by tying him up and putting him in the fireplace (it's not lit).

When her roommates come home (two other women), she tells the what happened.  Both want to call the police at first, but Raul has already told Marjorie when she threatens this that she has no case because he didn't actually rape her.  He's pretty vulgar about explaining why there's nothing she can do.  And he makes it clear that after he's released from the police station, he'll come after her again.

The roommates are sympathetic to Marjorie at first, but then begin to turn on her as she becomes more and more desperate to deal with Raul.  She suggests burying him in the yard (alive) so that he can feel what it was like when he smothered her with a pillow.  She suggests chopping him up, burning him.... and as she becomes more extreme and Raul becomes more pleading and pathetic (his face is now swelling from the wasp poison and he is evidently blinded), the roommates turn on Marjorie.

While she is out of the room, Raul tells one roommate that Marjorie is sleeping with her boyfriend (a lie).  He knows everyone's name - he's been going through their mail for weeks.

He manages to gain sympathy from both roommates - they end up getting him medicine at the drugstore, feeding him and giving him a drink.

In the end, Patricia, the roommate who arrives home last gives this monologue to Marjorie, her supposed friend:

"You parade around this house like it was a centerfold.  A man enters the room and you go all statuesque.  How you cross your leg at just the right moment - how you butterfly through a room - You're not happy until youve got every man in the room begging for it.  And this one did.  And now you want to fix him.  One man pays for every letch and wolf whistle.  You go through men like most women go through kleenex, and then you complain about the advances you provoke.  The man is blind.  Look at what you've done to yourself, to us, to him.  Can't you look in blind eyes?  Let's see what else you've done!"

After her "friend" explains that she's almost been RAPED, this is the speech that happens in the end.  Marjorie is blamed because of how she dresses.  Blamed because the other women are jealous of her.  Blamed because, according to some, she was "asking for it."

As an audience member who witnessed the scene at the beginning of the play, this twisted speech is horrifying to us.  And yet...  there are still articles like this one.  If you haven't clicked on it and read it yet, it's about the gang rape of an eleven year old girl (that's a FIFTH or SIXTH grader, ladies and gentlemen).  It was written in March of THIS YEAR.  In the article, it states: 

"Residents in the neighborhood where the abandoned trailer stands — known as the Quarters — said the victim had been visiting various friends there for months. They said she dressed older than her age, wearing makeup and fashions more appropriate to a woman in her 20s. She would hang out with teenage boys at a playground, some said."

And about the rapists:

"These boys have to live with this the rest of their lives."

 This article reminds me of an article printed in our local newspaper a few years ago when a cyclist was killed on the road - hit by a driver who got (get this) a wreckless driving charge and $250 fine for hitting him with her car.  He was riding on the right side of the road, as near to the shoulder as possible (no issues with the law here, my husband rides his bike to work every single day, we know the state law on bicycling well).  It was day time.  The woman driving the car said she "just didn't see him."  In the article describing the tragedy, it was stated that "the cyclist had a driver's license, but chose to ride his bike."

EXCUSE ME?

You're saying that this might be the cyclist's fault because he chose to ride his bike?!?!?  Insanity.  He had a license...but he chose to ride his bike.  The cycling community cried outrage and wrote to the paper and the police department (it was claimed as a quote from the police report) and eventually the police issued an apology for the statement - but really?  I find it insane that anyone would blame the victim.  The guy was killed by an automobile.  I'm not saying we should rake the girl over the coals.  Things happen.  There ARE such things as accidents, but let's not make this the fault of the guy who had no choice in leaving his wife and kids without a husband and father because he decided to get some exercise and cut down on his carbon footprint.

It's the same with this rape case.  A little girl was raped.  By many boys and men.  Young and old.  In an old trailer.  She's eleven.  So because she dressed like she was twenty and wore make-up maybe it's her fault?

It's like my husband said when he we talked about this issue, "If a woman is walking down the street naked, that is not an excuse for a man to pull her into the bushes and rape her."  Rape is never okay.  It is never acceptable.  It is never the victim's fault.  NEVER.

The other thing about this play that struck me was the fact that Raul was right.  Marjorie couldn't count on justice for the man who attempted to rape her (edited for my younger readers):

RAUL.  You there?  My eyes burn!  I need a doctor!  You there?  I'm hurt bad!  Help me!  You there?  Where are you?  (MARJORIE dials the phone.)  Call the cops, ...!  You can't prove a ... thing!  Why don't you ... answer me!  ...  I'll kill ya!  Get the cops!  They gotta let me go!  Your Honor, I goes out looking for work cause I got laid off the car wash and I sees this farmhouse and goes t'ask if there was any work cause I got three babies t'feed, and this crazy lady goes and sprays me with this stuff, Your Honor.  Go on, Marjorie, go down the road and stop a truck on the highway and tell 'em get the cops.  You got no bruises, no witnesses, no ...  You got nothing, ...  This is a civilized ... country, ...!  You don't go around tyin' up innocent people, Marjorie!


So what can Marjorie do?

Demi and Ashton for a good cause - check it out!

I received this press release from my friend Jeff at Another Mile via email a couple of days ago and thought you readers might be super interested in participating:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Media Contact:

Dara Bu

Elle Communications

dara@ellecomm.com

(818) 679-2717

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher’s

DNA Foundation Launches Interactive Online Campaign

“Real Men Don’t Buy Girls” To Raise Awareness about Child Sex Slavery

 

DNA Creates Consumer-Facing Video Campaign with Justin Timberlake, Sean Penn,

Bradley Cooper, Jamie Foxx and more

 

Los Angeles, CA (April 11, 2011) – The Demi and Ashton Foundation (DNA), which aims to raise awareness about the harsh reality of child sex slavery, will launch its “Real Men Don’t Buy Girls” interactive video campaign this week. The goal of the campaign is to educate people about child sex slavery in the United States and to create a cultural shift around the buying and selling of humans. The message of the campaign is that “Real Men” don’t buy girls. Instead, “Real Men” do respect, love, care for, and protect girls.

Today, DNA will release several short interactive videos about things "Real Men" do – starring Justin Timberlake, Sean Penn, Bradley Cooper, Jamie Foxx, Jason Mraz, Ashton Kutcher, Drake, Adrian Peterson and Isaiah Mustafa.  The videos seek to entertain viewers through fun, engaging “Real Men” situations while also providing an interactive environment for consumers to support the campaign.  Additional supporters include Eva Longoria, Sofia Vergara and many more.

Consumer Participation / Create a Video:  Consumers will play a critical role in spreading the word about the campaign by creating their own personalized video and sharing it with friends. To participate:

·         Go to the DNA Foundation Facebook page: www.facebook.com/dnafoundation.  Click on the “Real Men” application tab.

·         The application will allow guests to insert their own photo into the celebrity video – in order to create their very own “Real Men” video.

·         After the video is created, they can share it with their friends by posting on Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube.

·         The goal is for as many people as possible to watch the videos, create a personalized video, and spread the word about child sex slavery.

·         All videos can be viewed at www.demiandashton.org/realmen (noon PST).

“Child sex slavery is a difficult issue to think about, which makes it all the more important that we do,” remarked Ashton Kutcher. “Real Men do not ever buy children for sex. Period.”

Added Demi Moore: "People don't realize child sex slavery is a serious problem in the United States.  Young girls are victimized in the commercial sex industry every day.  No 13-year-old girl chooses to be exploited for sex. Real Men love, care, and protect girls. Real Men don’t buy girls.”

A second component to the campaign is the “DNA T-shirt Challenge.” DNA has partnered with Threadless, a community-based design company, and retailer Steven Alan to create t-shirts around the concept of freedom – www.causes.threadless.com/dnafoundation.  More than 200 artists submitted designs and 60,000 votes were cast to determine the winners. The two tees selected will be sold at Threadless.com and Stevenalan.com, as well as in all Steven Alan stores, with a percentage of proceeds going to DNA (available April 15). The design challenge will culminate with a launch party at Steven Alan’s Tribeca store in April – where the two designs selected will be unveiled and the “Real Men” videos shown.

Current Trafficking Statistics:

·         The average age of entry into forced prostitution in the U.S. is thirteen

·         Ninety percent of youth trafficked for sexual purposes in the U.S. are citizens of our own country

·         Hundreds of thousands of American girls and boys are currently enslaved in the U.S.

·         An estimated one million children are forced to work in the global sex industry every year

·         The global sex slavery market generates a $39 billion profit annually

·         Selling young girls is more profitable than trafficking drugs or weapons

About The DNA Foundation:
The Demi and Ashton Foundation aims to eliminate child sex slavery worldwide. Believing that freedom is a fundamental human right, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher founded DNA to help raise awareness about this horrific problem, change cultural stereotypes and rehabilitate the innocent victims. More information can be found at http://demiandashton.org/



Will you send a video?  Post a picture?  Change your facebook profile?  Send a donation?  Buy a t-shirt?  What can YOU do to stop child trafficking?

Controversy

So apparently the Vagina Monologues are super controversial.

I suppose I knew this somewhere in the back of my mind, but at our last rehearsal we heard from the director that the college campus where we are performing has been receiving a lot of hate mail regarding their choice to perform the piece.

This sort of stuff blows my mind.

I guess it really shouldn't, but when it comes to art, for me, if you don't want it to happen in your hometown, just don't go.  It's much more effective than sending hate mail or picketing or something.  It's art.  Artists want their stuff to be seen.  Performing to an empty house is really disconcerting for an actor.  If you don't like what they're going to perform, don't attend.  But please, do your homework first.

It's my assumption (perhaps, I admit, a poor one) that the people who are sending this hate mail see the title:  The Vagina Monologues and assume the worst - I suppose perhaps some people think we're performing some sort of pornographic nineteen seventies fringe feminist protest against society.  I've seen some of that art work, and believe me, you can say it's not porn all you want, it's porn.  But this piece is not porn.

This piece is a gathering of stories from two hundred women who were asked to talk about their vaginas.  Yes, it's a body part we cover.  Yes, it's a "private part".  But what came out of the interviews were amazing, touching, funny, heart-wrenching stories about womanhood in all parts of the world, from all ages and all walks of society.  The very rich, the very poor.  The matron, the sex worker, the entrepreneur, the six year old, the homeless woman.  The Vagina Monologues are performed as a protest against violence against women.  It's a way of telling stories that would have been voiceless otherwise.  A way to raise awareness, and to have a few laughs at the same time.

Is it appropriate for children?  Not on your life.

It's rated R, if I had to rate it.  There is straight talk about rape, abuse, sexuality, sex, men, women, pain, and self-discovery.  There is cussing.  If hearing about those things is going to be upsetting to you, you should probably not attend a performance.

The first time I saw the V-Monologues I felt uncomfortable more than once.  I don't think you're supposed to feel all that comfortable.

I worry about the hate mail thing.  I wonder what is going to happen on the night.  Most likely, the person who sent them mail won't show up to protest.  I'm certain they won't come to see the show.  Maybe there will be picketing.  Maybe shouting or more hate mail or a letter to the editor.

I wonder what people are afraid of.

I'm sad because, while I may feel uncomfortable about some of the pieces, or while I may not be able, myself to talk about some of these topics candidly, I know that they are important topics.  I wish that the people sending these hateful letters would buy themselves a copy of the script and read the piece that is upsetting them so much.

But I suppose it isn't really art until somebody says it's not, or that it's bad, or that they hate it.  It's the controversy that makes it great, much of the time.

I find it odd that we didn't receive any hate mail about Butterfly at the community theatre but there is this upheaval about something happening on the college campus.  College campuses are traditionally places where art is born and embraced and fed - places where students are asked to stretch themselves farther and think about things they hadn't thought about before.

What's going on here, exactly?

Why aren't these same people sending letters to the local strip club or speaking out against violence in a way they deem more appropriate?  Why not ask to engage in a dialogue with the director about why she might see this piece as okay, and show up with an open mind.  Why not write your own piece in response and see if you can get it published?  Why not write to Eve Ensler and ask her what possessed her to write this piece, and be prepared for her response?  Why not peruse the V-Day page and see what the buzz is all about - perhaps think of a better way to address the issues in Haiti and the Congo that women are facing today?

There's got to be something better to do with your time than to send threatening or hateful messages to a tiny little college that has chosen to perform a particular work of art that has obtained some recognition in the theatre and feminist community.

Have you seen The Vagina Monologues performed or read the piece from a script?  What's your take on hate mail?  What do you think the college's response should be (the have upped security on campus and there will be a guard at the auditorium door this year - last year, one of the campuses canceled their performance as a result of the mail)?  What do you think of The Vagina Monologues?

Election Day.

Today is a day of great import in our nation.

It is election day.  It is a day of which some in other nations can only dream.  A day where we exercise the ultimate power of the people.  We show that the combined strength of those at the grass roots can make a difference.

It doesn't matter if you're black or white, male or female, rich or poor - you have the RIGHT in this nation to VOTE.  To make your voice heard. 

Most people won't vote today.  Those same people will have no trouble later complaining about the government and how they fail to perform up to par or how they have screwed up the country or the town or the lives of individuals.  It is very easy to sit back in your lounge chair and watch the election results and judge everyone else. 

The funny thing is, it's not that much more difficult to get up out of that chair and get yourself to your polling place and cast your very own ballot.

As a woman, not to vote seems quite an ungrateful action to me.

During the Women's Suffrage Movement women suffered for this right.  They were ridiculed, jailed, abused, taunted, beaten, and bound because they felt that women had just as much right to turn the political tide of this country as men.  That a woman had the INTELLECT to voice her opinion.  To research her options.  That she had just as much brain power as a man.

This was a RADICAL idea.  And women were willing to fight and die for the cause. 

If for no other reason, get out to your polling place today to honor them.  Those women who fought for YOU.  For your personal right to walk to a polling place and cast your ballot.  A great stride on the road to freedoms for women.  To rights for women.  These first wave feminists dared to think about what could happen if they won.  Dared to dream about a different future for their daughters.  A brighter one.

March with them today.  Remember them today.  Cast YOUR vote TODAY in their honor and memory.  Make your voice heard.

Vote.

The Vagina Monologues.

Last night I went with some girl friends to see The Vagina Monologues, by Eve Ensler. If you've not been following my blog, I'll explain quickly. The Vagina Monologues are a compilation of monologues based on Eve's experience interviewing 200 women from all walks of life about their vaginae (plural of "vagina" for those of you who didn't know - I, personally, just learned this). I saw this production at the local college, and you know what? It was good.

The Monologues were compiled to raise awareness about female sexuality and the exploitation of women - to empower women and to raise awareness about the atrocities committed against women around the world at the same time.

You leave the performance with a lot to think about.

The Monologues have been performed by one woman. Three women. Last night there were about forty young women involved. It's a big deal. The Monologues are traditionally performed on or around V-Day (February 14th), and the "V" doesn't stand for Valentine. The day was established after the Monologues became widely successful and Eve decided that she could do more. That the piece could do more. Mean more. Be more. V-day is celebrated all around the world to raise awareness, to empower women: V-Day: until the violence stops.

This year, the focus for V-Day is on the Democratic Republic of the Congo. I hadn't even heard about the conflict there until last night. I mean, I'd seen Blood Diamond, I knew there was trouble in that area of Africa, but I didn't know that 500,000 women and girls had been sold into the sex trade. That they were raped and tortured and taken from their parents as little girls and forced to bear the children, the housework, and the sexual fantasies of men in their forties. Young girls. SO young.

There was a monologue specifically about this as a feature last night. It was...powerful.

I read these things and I feel so powerless. I hate to be so... I don't know... AMERICAN...and just throw money at a problem. I want to do more. I'm trying with this blog to raise more awareness. I hope to try and convince our local community theatre to host a V-Day event next year. I want a t-shirt from the V-day website so I can open conversations and talk to people about what's going on in the Congo. I hope that you will do something. I hope that you will take some action. Maybe you are in a place in your life right now where you can GO THERE. Maybe you can go and help. There are tons of organizations doing this RIGHT NOW.

The IRC
Stop Child Slavery
and Invisible Children

Not to mention V-Day.

I urge you to visit these sites and think about what you can do to help. I urge you to buy a t-shirt. I urge you to tell your friends what you know, to research what is happening in Africa and around the world to young women and little girls. And I urge you to pray. If you have no money, no means, then you can still pray. Pray for peace and salvation. Pray for love to win over terror and violence. Pray for the empowerment and education of women and the mercy of the ruling governments.

...

Thanks for reading.