No One Has Anything on You.

Today is my birthday.  I'm 32 years old.

It doesn't change because you're a grown up.  (Photo: ViNull/Flickr)

It occurs to me that somewhere along my teen years I made the arbitrary decision that when I turned thirty-two I would be officially "old".  I keep thinking as I approach thirty-three that this was the year in which Jesus died on the cross, and he was God, so you must be good and ready for some big stuff in your early thirties.

It's funny.

I always thought that when I "became an adult" I would suddenly change.

Forget the boys I liked in high school and not have any desire to have a birthday party or go to a sleepover or win at tag or receive an invitation or enjoy Oreo cookies.  That somehow I would start liking lots of jewelry and applying make-up and wearing pantyhose on a daily basis.  That talking on the phone would become effortless.  That I would receive some widsom about spreading jelly on toast and opening jars and knowing how to manage my finances and regularly and effortlessly spend my time investing in the stock market.

And yet... here I am...  good and old, according to my teenaged self... and still... well... me.

I still like Oreos even though I know they are bad for me.  I still hate pantyhose and think they are unnecessarily air-tight and easily torn.  I still remember my ex-boyfriends and even think fondly of them at times.  And...  spreading jelly is sort of a mystery, though I've become pretty adept at opening jars.

I still have a lot of the same questions I had as a kid.  I still remember well what it was like to live inside my younger mind.  I still know that teenaged girl.  I know her well.  I can still call up her old feelings and thoughts.  I still enjoy the things she liked.  I love swimming and dancing and lime snowcones and playing cards.

And knowing these things about me, and my mind, and how I am still that girl, only in an older body with more book knowledge has made me think a lot about how I look at other people.

The person who is writing a book on parenting is my age, or maybe only a few years older than me.  And wow, she only has one child and I have two.  And she's selling this book about parenting.

And there are people out there making inventions and developing apps and appearing on television as newscasters and actors and comedians who went to school with me.  People I graduated high school with are jet setting to Japan for Fortune 500 companies.

And that means something.

It means that all people are just. people.

There is no magic formula to make one person more successful or bigger or greater or more famous or wiser.  There is no class you take when you "turn into an adult" that explains how to actually start your own business or gain power and knowledge.  We are all a product of our choices.  Of the people we chose to know.  The things we chose to study, the books we choose to read, the way we network or put ourselves out there...  but we are all still just kids who like ice cream and sparklers and comfortable hoodies inside.  We all still have fears of failure and loss and darkness and yes...even the boogieman in the closet.

There is no switch that makes us morph into adulthood and lose the self we once were.

There are people who hide it better - they put on adult clothing and they shop at adult stores and they use adult jargon, but the fact is, we are all still just. people.  Babies, children, tweens, teens, adults...  all. just. people.  All with potential to be or not to be infinite things.  To learn whatever it is that we need to do whatever it is we'd like to do.

And the best part?  It doesn't change just because you're a grown-up.

The thing about going to college and then having this career that you keep forever and then your mind shuts down and you have no actual feelings or preferences and you live to rule over your children?  That a degree will suddenly change you into what you thought that person looked like or accomplished?  These are lies that some people buy - and the secret to living the fullest of lives - is to choose not to believe them. No one has anything on you.  There is no secret.  There is only the wide world of knowledge and potential and connection and work.  And the path you choose to take with it.

How to Save Our Daughters.

I just finished reading an article in Better Homes and Gardens discussing plastic surgery and "injectables" as viable options for "looking your best" for the holidays (November 2011 issue, for those of you who are curious, I couldn't find the article online).  I'm more than a little floored by this, and needless to say, I will not be renewing my subscriptions (one I've held for ten years).  More than just make me angry, this article shows just how mainstream the idea that we are not okay just the way we are has become.  We need cutting, injections, invasive surgery, tattooed eyeliner, more make-up that doesn't look like make-up, more hair dye, shinier hair, more product, more facial cleanser, skinnier waistline, less fat, ...  the list extends into eternity.

Besides my fury that ALL of this is corporate mumbo-jumbo to make us feel "less-than" so that we will purchase a particular product or line of products, I see this as extremely detrimental to the future.

Any of us who have daughters feel that those little girls are GORGEOUS.  Our daughters are beautiful.  We look at those long lashes and those pretty eyes and those rosy cheeks and adorable smiles and we see pure, innocent, loveliness.  And if we don't, it's time for a reality check, because your little girl is AMAZING.  A princess, ladies and gentlemen, is an understatement.

When we look at those little girls, we don't want them to grow up thinking that they need more make-up, more product, a nose-job, a boob-job, etc in order to "look their best".  We tell them that they are beautiful.  We long for them to see it themselves every time they look in the mirror.

But...  often...  they don't.  Why?

Because, Ladies and Gents, actions...speak...louder than words.

So...

What to do?

1.  Stop it with the daily make-up.  


I've said before that I'm not against make-up.  But you know what?  The more I think about it.  The more Lucky magazines I get in the mail.  The more re-touching I see my husband do when he does a head-shot series for an aspiring actor or model... the more I hate make-up.  After all, why do we wear it?

We wear it because society has established a FALSE idea of beauty.  Way back in the day, only prostitutes wore make-up.  It was a sign.  It was a cover-up for the ugliness, the pain, the hurting that was underneath.  The hope that it would be enough...

Cover-up was made so that you could go out in public and no one would know you really had the Bubonic Plague (Queen Elizabeth wore quite a lot of it).

There were times in history when men wore it.  Times when eye-liner was royalty.  Different signs and symbols.

Today, it seems, at least in America, make-up is an expectation.

I've had woman apologize to me because I've seen them with no make-up as though they were apologizing for running over my beloved dog.  As though they were committing a high offense.

Ladies... this is a problem.

And when we make it a point to put on make-up in front of that mirror and our little girls see it - that is what they think about adulthood:  that you can't be good enough once you've grown up.  That your skin has to be perfect.  That blemishes make us "less than".  That no boys will like them if they don't wear it.  They see what we do and they know that no matter how many times you tell them they are pretty they will never be all the way there until they can do what you are doing.  To them, YOU are the ultimate example of beauty.  How's THAT for responsbility?

2.  Stop it with the magazines.

Every. single. magazine. you bring into your home is a huge advertisement for product.  I have learned over the past year (and maybe this makes me a fool for not noticing before) that each and every article - each and every photograph, is about selling a product.  Not always a blatant advertisement, but at very least a proposition to purchase the next issue of the magazine.

And Ladies and Gents, it's all just. stuff.  Not stuff you need.  Just. Stuff.

Everyone is selling make-up and clothing and scent and all this STUFF they tell you will make your life better.

We worry about our children watching too much television or not learning to think for themselves...  be careful what you read, what you have in your home for your children to read... everyone is selling something.  Before you read it and have your children read it, be sure it's something you want them to buy.

3.  Stop making make-up a right of passage.

My mom took me to the make-up counter for the thirteenth birthday.  It was what I wanted.

It doesn't have to be that way.

I wanted it because all the other girls in my class were wearing it.

Parents tell their girls that they can wear make-up when they reach a certain age.  It's a Big Deal.  I've decided that if my kid wants to try the stuff at age 2 then so be it.  She has her very own lip gloss, thus far.  I am sure to tell her how pretty she is when she's NOT wearing it.

Make-up should be fun, not forced, not necessary, not expected.  And if you can help it, not present at all.

4.  Stop getting cosmetic surgery.


There are women who get breast reductions because their huge boobs are causing them serious pain.  This is NOT the kind of cosmetic surgery I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the women who don't like how their nose looks.  The ones who want bigger breasts.  The ones who are fed up with getting wrinkles.

Ladies...  God made you the way you are.  He doesn't think your nose is too big.  He doesn't think your boobs need to be bigger.

Wrinkles...oh, my Dear Readers!  I can see them gathering at the sides of my eyes and all along my forehead and when I first saw them I was dismayed and afraid but please know! - wrinkles are a sign of wisdom.  They are rivers and streams of knowledge, beauty, and power.  They are the signs that you have been there, you have experienced that, you have frowned in deep thought and smiled with such joy and cried tears that left permanent paths down your cheeks and all of those things make. you. even more beautiful than before.

Our daughters need to know.

They need to know that when they're 35 and look in the mirror and see those crow's feet it doesn't make them less of a person.  It makes them so. much. more.

5.  Stop hating on yourself.

Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself."  We remember that loving our neighbor part...but we forget that we need to love ourselves too. We never stop to think when we look in the mirror and tell ourselves "NOT good enough" that this isn't what The Lord wants for us.  We would never dream of going up to our neighbor and saying "You are not good enough.  You are stupid.  You are ugly."  And yet we do these things to ourselves on a regular basis.

Stop buying into the lie that FAKE is beauty.

It's a LIE Ladies and Gents!!!  A big. fat. Satanic. lie.

And if we all stopped believing it, how much better would our lives be?

If we really believed that beauty came from the inside.

If we really believed that God made us beautiful just the way we are.

If we really believed that WE were empowered to make healthy choices.

If we really SAW what everyone looked like under the make-up and before the surgery and...  how differently we would see one another.  How differently we would see the world.

Ask yourself - if I was the only person in the world wearing make-up, would I feel the need to wear it?

If I went to the movies and SAW that Julia Roberts had a pimple that day...  would I think of myself differently?

When you love yourself - you are giving your daughter the most wonderful gift.  The gift of knowing SHE is beautiful all by herself.

And finally...

6.  Stop judging her based on her appearance.

How many of us grew up in a house where our moms mentioned the clothes we chose.  The weight we'd gained.  The outbreak of acne on our foreheads...  and told us just what we needed to do about it, even if we didn't ask.

Our moms wanted to help.

They KNOW what it feels like to feel less beautiful.  To be ridiculed by classmates.  To be mocked.

And so moms step in with facial cleanser and concealer and money for different jeans and diet ideas and Fat Camp and...

And where does that leave us?

What does it say to our daughters when we do these things we believe are loving?

It says, loud and clear, You. Are. Not. Good. Enough.  It shows how we see their flaws.  It shows that we are no different than the classmate who points out the pimple or the bully that calls us fat.  It shows that we, the mom, aren't making the effort to see the Girl Inside.  We feel the need to change her.  Cover her up.  Put her on a diet.

The fact is - self-esteem and knowledge that you ARE good enough makes all that unnecessary.  If you've got the confidence that your mom and (especially) dad see through any flaws to the true YOU inside the skin then you can face the bully head on.  You can take it all with multi-grained salt.  You can hold your head up high because you know that the people who you come home to love you unconditionally, and The World can suck it.



Moms and Dads... it's not too late.

Your daughter is a precious jewel.  Some of you already see her that way.  Some of you need to wake up and smell the sea salt.  Daughters are a fabulous gift from heaven.  But they are a fragile gift.  Don't break them.  And if you fear you already have...  break out the glue. 

Mary Kay: Enriching Women's Lives.

I think that the Mary Kay marketing campaign is brilliant.

Who doesn't want an enriched life?  We ALL want to say we lived life to the fullest.  Our life was RICH.

Now.  I know that Mary Kay offers "much more than make-up", but the fact is, they are a make-up company.  Make-up sales drive their marketing.  Make-up is where they started.

Don't worry, this isn't me knocking make-up (though I advocate going without at least once a week, just for kicks: No Make-Up Monday) - but it is me knocking the slogan.

Again, I admit it's genius.

But it hurts me.

Make-up is not a life enrichment tool.

Argue with me all you want.  Maybe you think make-up is the way you get dates or have fun or whatEVER.  The fact is - while I understand it for it's merits in self-expression and hiding the curling iron burn on your neck so people stop asking if it's a hicky - you can have just as much fun without make-up - and more time to have it!

If you want to have a more fulfilling, enriched life, go out and play!  Hike, run, take a walk, go swimming, go skydiving, read a good book, host a BBQ and meet some new people in your neighborhood, hug your kids, go to the theatre, be in a play, dance in the rain, go to the Drive-In, try a new recipe, visit a new place - but PLEASE don't think that buying make-up from Mary Kay will enrich your life, or anyone else's.  It's a product.  Their job is to sell it.  They're doing a great job at their job.  Your job is to live a fulfilling life that God can be proud of and you can look back on with fondness and grace.  Those moments that make your life more full, those moments when God smiles - they depend nothing on "having your face on".

My Thoughts on Make-Up.

I went for a two mile run today and while out, I thought about this blog.

Normally, I come home from my runs and write "Run Reflections" on my facebook page, but today it is not to be.

I've been neglected RJ and my loyal readers here and if I'm going to make a career out of this thing I'd better be posting more often than once a month or something.

Anyway, my thoughts today were about make-up.

I encourage people on a regular basis not to wear it. I don't understand how people can take the time every single day to put make-up on. I also find the stuff uncomfortable.

In the summer before eighth grade, my mother took me to the make-up counter at the Bon Ton (remember the Bon Ton?) for a make-up consultation. Believe it or not, this is what I wanted for my birthday. I think it was probably free, but that's beside the point. Mom did come through at the end and buy me any make-up that looked good on me that I wanted. A whole set of stuff, from lipliner to purple eye shadow.

I remember after the consultation I thought I looked okay - but sort of weird. I didn't really recognize myself. I looked really pretty, I thought, but I didn't look like me.

Looking back now, it reminds me of trying on wedding dresses.

I tried on several (much to my chagrin - I despire trying on clothes, really) and there were two I thought I looked really good in. It's my wedding, so I wanted to look beautiful, of course, and though Michael would have most likely still gone through with the vows had I showed up in sweats and a t-shirt, this seemed much more appropriate, and I admit that I love getting dressed up. There are no two ways about it, girls love to feel like princesses. Even girls who would rather play backyard football than dish over the latest crocodile purse at Target.

Anyway, at the dress shop I looked at those two dresses. One was champagne colored and fun. I really loved how I felt in the dress and how I looked in the dress and it looked like ME. The other dress - well it was gorgeous. Beautiful. Fit me like a glove.

But I looked like that person in the mirror at Bon Ton.

The girl who if she put in a little more effort probably could've been one of the popular girls, but really, the effort wasn't worth it.

I realize that most women wear make-up every day. I realize that most women don't like to leave the house without their make-up. But I feel like maybe they've forgotten who they are. Maybe that person in the mirror has become them, and the person underneath looks foreign and strange. Not bad. Just different.

I admit that I like the application process when it comes to make-up.

I have always adored colors and my fetish with glitter and purple and green and just art in general continues to this day. Doing my make-up for a play is much like an art project. I'm the girl doing everyone else's make-up as well. When it's on, I know I look good. I look in the mirror and say "Damn, Girl, you should do this every day!" And then I laugh because I know it'll never happen.

I must say that since realizing I'm not an every day make-up kind of person, it makes those special occassions that much more interesting when I DO wear make-up. I just add a touch of eye shadow (because that's the colorful stuff) and some lip gloss so I don't look parched. I feel more confident in myself, even if the eye shadow has been all rubbed off in the first hour of the day. I wore make-up for my wedding. Prom. Other people's weddings. You know. Special stuff.

No matter what I say on this blog, women can't help but want to be pretty.

We are designed that way.

I read the book, Captivating, by John and Stacey Elderidge a few years ago. Women have this question, from the day they are born, and the way they turn out largely depends on how that question has been answered by the people around them, especially their fathers. The question is "Am I lovely?"

This is why little girls spin and twirl and dance in flowing skirts. This is why they steal their mother's toe nail polish and do a number on their fingers and feet. This is why we dress the way we do, the reason we go through the make-up routine, why we adore dressing like a princess. We desperately want the answer to our question to be YES.

Men have a question too - it's in Wild at Heart, by John Elderidge. Their question is "Do I have what it takes?'

It's good to know about both of these questions if we'd like to maintain positive relationships with those people around us of either gender.

Anyway....

I've preached to forget the make-up, to leave it at home. To see what it's like to go without it. I still encourage everyone reading this blog to try no make-up for a week and see how it goes for you. I'd love to hear what happens as a result.

Here I say, whip it out for that special occassion. Heck. Make TONIGHT special. Dress like a princess, look in the mirror, and answer the question for yourself with a resounding YES.

Redefined Beauty

I just finished watching The Tyra Show. I know. Day time talk didn't used to be my MO, but I stay home now and that's how I veg while my son is in preschool and my daughter is napping.

Today, Tyra was talking about redefining beauty and really looking at what is beautiful and why, what true beauty means, etc.

I guess part of it was good - Tyra did the show without make-up for the most part, and wore a zip-up hoodie and yoga pants with sneakers. I thought that was awesome. She also had husbands talking about what they think is physically beautiful about their wives, and I admit it, I cried over it.

But there were other parts that pissed me off.

She gave everyone in the audience lipstick and base. That was their little gift for being on there and talking about redefining beauty. So basically, you're beautiful without the makeup, but you sure as hell better put some on before you go out tonight.

It makes me mad.

I guess that's part of this blog too.


I hate make-up. I hate how it feels on my face. I hate how women feel like they need to wear it to be beautiful. I don't wear make-up. Ever. Unless I'm on stage, and stage make-up doesn't count because it's really a lot more like paint or wax or something. Either way, why do we have to pretend to be something we're not? Why do we have to cover up what we look like?

I find myself caught in the trap as well. I'm not trying to say I'm the most self-confident person ever. In my last post, I talked about feeling self-conscious when people look at me differently because of my hair. And I am. I don't want people to judge me based on that. To not talk to me because of it. To not invite my son to birthday parties because his mom is "weird" or to pity me because they think I'm ill. Why can't people just give other people the benefit of the doubt?

It's so hard not to judge based on appearance. I mean, that's what we see, it's the first thing.

I wish I had a gift for seeing the essence of people before their appearance. I need to work on that.

But really, I'd like to see beauty truly redefined. I'd like to see us all stop worrying so much about we look like and worrying more about how we feel. Healthy, or happy, or cozy, or whatever. And how we make other people feel too. I don't know. It all seems very idealistic.

I look in the mirror and I think, hey, she's kinda cute, but she needs to lose that baby roll hanging over those jeans. It's tough. We all want to be attractive to the people around us. We long to be loved.

I think all the women should band together and just stop wearing make-up. Like, every woman in the world, for one day, no make-up.

You know what's funny? I bet the guys wouldn't even notice.